When a disgraced schoolgirl is sent home, she finds her rural outback town dying. With everything hopeless, she sets about to remake the town, fighting with corrupt politicians, billionaire mining magnets and  apathetic  townspeople to create a prosperous future.

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    Penpusher Posted on August 8, 2019 in Drama.
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      When you say “schoolgirl” do you mean 5 year old or 15 year old? I’m assuming that she’s at a boarding school or similar? This makes a pretty big difference to the story and it’s the sort of thing that a reader will struggle to visualise if you’re not more specific.

      yqwertz’s feedback is great. I agree that the I.I. and the goal are currently just simply too broad. I struggle to visualise any of it because there seems like so much for her to do and I don’t understand how a schoolgirl has the ability to do all of that.

      yqwertz’s version is really good. I would take that as a starting point and adapt that into the story you want to tell. Narrow the scope and give us some more specifics.

      Definitely think there’s a story in here though so stick with it!

      Hope this helps.

      Summitry Answered on August 8, 2019.
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        “….her rural outback town is dying.” is to diffuse for an inciting incident and “…to create a prosperous future.” is too vague for a goal. Give your heroine a concrete goal arising from a concrete problem. Maybe she discovers that the mine has contaminated the drinking water and corrupt politicians have been covering it up. In that case a logline might look like:

        When she discovers a gold mine has contaminated the drinking water in her rural outback town, a disgraced school girl must expose the politicians who are covering it up before everyone falls ill.

        Samurai Answered on August 8, 2019.
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          Great suggestion by yqwertz.  I would suggest the addition of one word:

          When she discovers an abandoned gold mine has contaminated the drinking water in her rural outback town, a disgraced school girl must expose the politicians who are covering it up before everyone falls ill.

          Something similar has actually happened in the rural Western community where I grew up.  Leachate of arsenic and  heavy metals into the river from an abandoned mine.  And it’s an  ongoing environmental hazard with abandoned mines all over the West.

          Singularity Answered on August 8, 2019.
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            Thank you so much! Your reviews have provided me with direction. Leave it with me to stew for a bit.

            Penpusher Answered on August 8, 2019.
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              I’m a bit unsure about how to re-post. But here is a rework of the logline idea.

              When the local mining company brings in external workers, the town of Hope apathetically slides towards it’s death. Slut-shamed 17 year old school girl, Tim, challenges the locals, the politicians and the mining billionaires into establishing a renewable energy business, in a frantic effort to save the town – and herself.

              Penpusher Answered 1 day ago.
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