When a family skiing trip ends in the murder of her parents, a sheltered teenager must lead her friends through a blizzard to escape a gang of vengeful hunters.

    The_CNI Logliner Asked 6 days ago in Thriller.
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    3 Review(s)

      Agree with Craig,

      also this is one of those instances (mentioned by Richiev) as having a bigger inciting incident than the plot that proceeds it. Is it possible to not kill the parents in the Inciting incident?
      That kind of triggers the ‘defeatist’ in an audience and they get to think: “it cannot get any worse…” To make it ‘page turning’ becomes harder

      Good Luck The_CNI!

      variable Overlord Reviewed 6 days ago.

      Or go the other way. Give us more engaging details about their escape. Won’t lose the powerful start this way. Btw, I like sheltered. Really gives me the impression, that she’s in over her head.

      6 days ago.

      Great suggestion by Jessie

      I wanted to enquire — which specific event would you label as her objective GOAL. Reaching where exactly would confirm her victory.

      aka what becomes her Visual GOAL?
      (An event such as “must reach the mountain resort before the ____” would work better)
      Good Luck!

      6 days ago.

      Is any other family members survive ? If so it will be more emotional

      6 days ago.
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        Sheltered doesn’t add anything to her struggle and it isn’t really an personality that is easily identifiable.

        Vengeful about what?

        This has more confusion than mystery.

        Plus focusing on setting and an inciting incident can bury the story.

        A teenage girl must lead her friends through a blizzard pursued by the hunters that murdered her parents on their family skiing holiday.

        Even so. A bit monotone. Does she fight back? Does she try and turn the tables?

        What can you tell the reader to make them interested?

        CraigDGriffiths Summitry Reviewed 6 days ago.
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          When her parents are murdered during a ski trip, a sheltered teenage must evade mercenaries pursuants through blizzard  and reach the safety of a resort on the other side of the mountain.

          Valentin Samurai Reviewed 5 days ago.
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