Please advise.
Billy14Samurai
When a foster care teen learns of his biological father’s death, he must undergo a mystic rite of passage to claim his inheritance. (23)
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Details, economy, clarity – let these be your torch in the darkness that is logline construction.
What does “…teen…” mean? This is too vague a description for a logline.
“…learns of his biological father?s death…” = His father dies.
What does “…a mystic rite of passage…” mean? This is your ‘hook’, your sauce, your 12 herbs and spices – tell us about it!
Why is he in foster care? How does this impact the story? It can stay, but it will need a good reason to.
Here is a quick fix up of your current logline:
After his father dies, an introvert must retrieve a mystical item from another dimension in order to claim his inheritance before his foster parents beat him to it.
Okay, how about this scenario:
A teen and his mother and her second husband. The teen has been raised to be extroverted, a socially adept member of society. But he is an introvert and secretly yearns for something more, something he doesn’t understand himself because he has been conditioned by society.
Then when his real father dies, a man his mother hated and never wanted him to be like, and he learns of his inheritance, a staggering amount that will allow him to do nothing for the rest of his life, his mother wants nothing to do with it.
So, his mother will try and prevent him from going on the Rite of Passage.
But at the start of Act 2 he decides to do it and goes with his father’s attorney to the farm where the Rite is to take place.
Meanwhile, his mother is furious and calls the cops.
On the farm the boy is told about the Rite, a Rite his father rediscovered, and how it will transform the way he sees the world. The Rite is then initiated and “The Blackening” phase of the transformation begins. The evil dwarf-like creature appears and begins to torment the boy.
to be continued.
I’m sucking this out of my thumb now. Need to think it through a bit more.
Please advise.
What inheritance?
Since that is the goal of the lead character, we should know what the inheritance is so why know why the lead wants it so badly that he will go through with the rite.
“When he discovers he is the true king of an actual fantasy land, a foster care teen must face the trial of kings if he is to gain control of his rightful kingdom.”
What’s with the “fantasy world” advice? Lol It’s not a fantasy.
Okay, so my first thought was that he goes through with the Rite because he’s after the money.
But with the new scenario it would be curiosity. What was it about his father that made his mother hate him?
I need to think about it more.
But thanks for the pointers and I’ll definitely keep them in mind.
As far as it goes, I think the essential elements are there, although I suggest it could tightened up. ?So:
After his real ?father dies, ?a foster care teen must undergo a mystic rite of passage to claim his inheritance. ?(20 words)
But it seems to me that it lacks for a strong hook, compelling stakes. ?Either “mystic rites of passage” will grab a reader’s attention. ?Or not. ?Or mystify more than entice. ?And is the inheritance big enough to justify going through the unusual ordeal? ?IOW: ?what are the stakes? ?And are the rites of passage just out of the ordinary — or are they also really dangerous?
Also, there is no clue as to why the father has imposed this condition upon his son, whom he didn’t seem to care enough to take care of while he was alive. ?For example, if the father was a member of a Native American tribe, I might ?infer that the rite of passage is part of a tribal ritual, including mystical states induced by the ceremonial consumption of peyote. ?I could see a plausible cause-and-effect relationship between the father’s death and the rite of passage would make more sense. ?But as it stands, I am left clueless as to the father’s motivation, to the logic of the requirement.
There needs to be more than just curiosity and or greed motivating the boy. Could you perhaps introduce a stakes character?
Also, if an evil dwarf materializes out of thin air, this is either a super natural or fantasy story. If you want it to be set in the “real” world you’ll need to remove the magical or un natural elements.
Dpg and Nir,
Thanks for your input. It’s really great having, not one but, two experienced logliners to bounce ideas around with. Everyone in my life is pretty much completely uninterested in stories. I NEED YOU GUYS SO BAD!!! Without you I’m in darkness. Thank you for being here!
Okay, so back to this story of mine. What about the following:
A daydreaming teen learns he must undergo a Rite of Passage on his 16th Birthday to claim his father’s fortune and free himself from reality.
>>The evil dwarf-like creature appears and begins to torment the boy.
As this character has appeared in severalof your loglines, I venture to surmise that you’re looking for a plot vehicle in which to ?cast an evil dwarf. ?Why? What makes this character so dramatically interesting to you?