When a Craigslist-swinging-meetup goes bad and the voyeruist find herself trapped with a serial killer, she must out-clever the killer before times-up as gagged-bate for the killer’s next victim.

    short – the trap

    Penpusher Posted on February 5, 2015 in Public.
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    6 Review(s)

      The second part of your logline sounds a bit vague, maybe you could elaborate on that. What does the killer’s next victim have that your protagonist needs to survive?

      Logliner Answered on February 6, 2015.
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        All of the logline is confusing to me.

        “Caught by a serial killer” — is he the swinger’s date or…?

        And tthe logline presents a weak, helpless protagonist who has not active role in her own survival; her fate is in the hands of the next victim. Seems like the “next victim” is the one who should be cast in the role of the protagonist .

        Singularity Answered on February 6, 2015.
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          I have to agree, what does the swingers date have to do with the main plot?

          Singularity Answered on February 6, 2015.
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            Ah, I totally see how the swingers date looks unimportant and how the protagonist looks helpless.

            another try:

            When a Craigslist-swinging-meetup goes bad and the voyeruist find herself trapped with a serial killer, she must out-clever the killer before her time is up as gagged bate for the killer’s next victim.

            I updated the logline (or, should I keep the original and just write changes below?).

            Also this is a short, so the story is only describing one event (the whole meetup until resolution).

            Penpusher Answered on February 6, 2015.
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              I am finding the gagged bait a stumbling block. Being held by a serial killer “bond and gagged” is a given. Also her reason turning up. Swinging is enough to set the scene, that she likes to watch is unneeded detail at this point in time. taking this out gives the line a pace which I think would be reflected in the story.

              Summitry Answered on February 7, 2015.
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                Thanks all for the feedback!

                Penpusher Answered on February 9, 2015.
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