When a hooker attempts to steal a wallet from a drunken john, she accidentally makes a horrific discovery — the couple is not alone in a shabby room of a love hotel.

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    Penpusher Posted on September 27, 2014 in Public.
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    11 Review(s)

      Wouldn’t a hooker be used to threesomes? Or people watching?

      Singularity Answered on September 27, 2014.
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        The logline only sets up a situation. What makes it an inciting incident of a plot? That is, what objective goal does the discovery trigger? What must she do now? Who or what opposes her? What’s at stake?

        Singularity Answered on September 27, 2014.
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          Second DPG’s and Richiev’s comments.

          Also, am not sure what a “…drunken john…” is, if he is a drunk customer then specify that rather than name him. To that matter am not sure what a “…love hotel.” is, if it is just a hotel that’s often used for one night stands and solicitation, then a shabby room in a cheap hotel is enough to conjure up that image.

          In my mind obscure descriptions are best reserved for the synopsis and brief where as the logline, in order to achieve it’s purpose, needs the most clear and commonly understood descriptions.

          Hope this helps.

          Singularity Answered on September 28, 2014.
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            Great points Nir. A couple more points along the lines of how this is worded.

            ‘accidentally makes a horrific discovery’ could be shortened to, ‘makes a horrific discovery’ there is no need for accidentally.

            Also, there doesn’t seem to be any reason to tell us she is stealing the wallet. It adds nothing, it;s the discovery that’s important, not what she was doing when she discovers it.

            Finally. ‘the couple is not alone in a shabby room of a love hotel.’ Tells us nothing. Many times kinky people will have someone hiding in the closet watching the sex act. I don’t see how this would be ‘horrific’ to a hooker.

            On the other hand, If it’s a ‘killer’ in the room then say that instead. Then as DPG stated, tell us what she must do.

            Singularity Answered on September 28, 2014.
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              In the US “john” is a common term in the sex trade for male customers.

              Singularity Answered on September 28, 2014.
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                My bad, thanks for that DPG.

                I would like to strike my previous comment about this from the record, other comments still stand.

                Singularity Answered on September 29, 2014.
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                  What role does the wallet play? For now it seems like stealing it is just something the hooker does when the main problem is presented. If the wallet must be important, maybe you could make it to the antagonist, like for example:

                  When a hooker tries to steal a wallet from a drunken sex-customer she discovers the wallet is cursed and must defeat it before it kills her.

                  Default Answered on October 1, 2014.
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                    Those are all good points. I will try to rework it. “Love Hotel” is something that is very common in Asia (the story takes place in Tokyo), and it is a place where people go for a tryst and pay by hour.

                    Daniel, it would be good if the wallet played such a role, however, that’s not what happens. While a customer is taking a shower, the hooker checks his pockets and finds the wallet. He abruptly steps out of the shower catching her in a act. She then throws the wallet under the bed.

                    It is upon retrieving that wallet that she discovers a corpse under the bed — that is what’s so horrific about it…

                    Penpusher Answered on October 1, 2014.
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                      >>she discovers a corpse under the bed

                      That would be the inciting incident — not the attempt to steal the wallet.

                      But then what happens? What problem does it create for the hooker (and john)? What must she (I presume the hooker is the main character) do about — what becomes her objective goal? Who or what opposes her efforts? What’s at stake for her? Is she going to be framed? Must she prove her innocence? Or…?

                      Singularity Answered on October 2, 2014.
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                      When a down on her luck prostitute discovers an horribly mutilated body under the bed, she and her drunk john must evade the deranged owner of the deserted motel.

                      Default Answered on October 8, 2014.
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