Neer ShelterSingularity Asked: February 24, 20202020-02-24T10:28:12+10:00 2020-02-24T10:28:12+10:00In: CrimeWhen a machete-wielding crew chases a young gang member, he?s forced to drive incognito with a Hassidic geriatric to complete a drug run.– ShareFacebook6 ReviewsVotedOldestRecentdpg 105 Loglines 5,551 Reviews 551 Best Reviews 112,205 Points View Profile dpg Singularity 2020-02-25T01:53:49+10:00Added an answer on February 25, 2020 at 1:53 am Hassidic?Okay,? so why not also make the kid Jewish? Non-observant. (Or at least 1/2 Jewish. )Or if you really want to get the Hassidic’s knickers in a wad,, have the kid’s father be an Aborigine. Oy vey!Anyway, have the Hassidic scholar rebuke him for the path his life is going down.? Have an honest-to-Elohim conflict of age, culture race,, ethics, the Torah and the Talmud.If you’re going to throw two people in the same car for the duration of a long ride, give them something to argue about.0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppNeer Shelter 23 Loglines 2,803 Reviews 258 Best Reviews 55,453 Points View Profile Neer Shelter Singularity 2020-02-24T21:47:15+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2020 at 9:47 pm Updated version:After a rival gang murder his partner, a drug runner goes incognito with a Hasidic geriatric to hunt down the killers so he can complete his deliveries.0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppMike Pedley United Kingdom (UK) 70 Loglines 716 Reviews 100 Best Reviews 51,269 Points View Profile Mike Pedley Singularity 2020-02-24T20:28:16+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2020 at 8:28 pm Them chasing him is the action. But I want to know what causes them to chase him in the first place. There has to be a motivation to understand why it’s so important that he evades them. It’s a bit two-dimensional at present. This will also help with understanding who our protagonist is. At present, he’s just a “young gang member”. I think we need more from both sides to really feel the story.Is he part of the same crew? If not, I think it would be worth making it clear that it’s a rival gang (as Trix pointed out).As soon as he goes incognito, surely that’s the end of the chase? This is why we need more motivation for the bad guys. We need to know that they’ll stop at nothing to get him because he’s done something to them.Why do we need to know they are “machete wielding”? Tell us they’re a rival gang and we understand what’s at stake. Admittedly, “machete wielding” is visual but I can’t help but think telling me they will stop at nothing to catch this guy would give me a lot more plot to imagine. I also think, given that the plot takes place in a car (as it currently stands), and to kill by machete requires close proximity, the protagonist feels very safe to me. If they had guns, suddenly it feels more threatening.What is the purpose of the hassidic geriatric? Plot-wise and story-wise?He’s “forced to drive incognito”. By who? A protagonist should be proactive. He’s not pushing the plot forward currently, he’s being pulled. Why is he forced to drive incognito?Rather than the MC being a “young gang member” maybe he’s a gang-banger wannabe. He’s delivering the drugs run as his initiation. Then maybe, the guy who’s asleep on the backseat of the car he hijacks is an ex-gangmember ex-con who’s seen the error of his ways. Now there’s an interesting situation and I immediately understand why you’d put these two together.0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppTrix 4 Loglines 67 Reviews 12 Best Reviews 2,991 Points View Profile Trix Samurai 2020-02-24T19:15:21+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2020 at 7:15 pm Hi Nir,It still feels like something is missing to me. ?My thoughts are:The machete-wielding element now has more relevance because he has to run away from something life-threatening, but still feels a bit soft?Is he part of their crew or in a different gang? ?I think it may help to flesh out the conflict and make it clearer who is who.The geriatric – as in Hasidic Judaism? ?I preferred the old curmudgeon as I could immediately see the conflict, however the Judaism feels a little arbitrary. ?Is there a specific reason you chose this religious belief?It sounds like he completes the drug run… and then what?0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppKarel Segers 8 Loglines 75 Reviews 11 Best Reviews 2,625 Points View Profile Karel Segers Samurai 2020-02-24T16:23:25+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2020 at 4:23 pm You know that you can use the ‘bump’ feature to send your logline to the top, right? 😉0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppNeer Shelter 23 Loglines 2,803 Reviews 258 Best Reviews 55,453 Points View Profile Neer Shelter Singularity 2020-02-24T10:31:23+10:00Added an answer on February 24, 2020 at 10:31 am Hey all,This was posted a while back and received some feedback. As I’m interested in people’s opinions on the logline, this is a repost with a new version.Thanks for your help.Nir.0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppYou must login to add an answer. Username or email* Password* Remember Me! Forgot Password?