When a move to a new town and a stronger prescription fails to keep her dreams from altering her waking life, an overwrought teenager must learn to accept her bizarre talent and stop a provocateur from exploiting her power to manipulate an unwitting public.

    Dreamweavers

    Penpusher Posted on August 13, 2015 in Public.
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    4 Review(s)

      Hey Jeff,

      I get the basic premise, so that’s good. I’d suggest cutting some of the extraneous info: moving to a new town, manipulate an unwitting public. And perhaps “prescription drugs fail” is more on the nose, i.e., “When prescription drugs fail to keep an overwrought teenager’s dreams from altering her waking life…” Or even better, “…from altering reality…she must learn to accept and control her talent…” And, finally, provocateur is, I think, a little too vague. Need to pump that up some and clarify.

      Cheers and all the best.

      H.

      Default Answered on August 13, 2015.
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        What is her talent? What is her power? With what is she overwrought? What is she prescribed and why? What does manipulating the public achieve? What does a provocateur actually do? Is this dreams-into-life thing something she’s always had? And her goal is to accept it? Wouldn’t it make more sense if she develops this ability as an inciting incident, and spends the rest of the script trying to get a handle on it?

        When an intended logline creates more questions than clear story elements, it’s a problem. And you’re using the word “her” before even introducing the main character, so we don’t even know who “she” is. Since I can’t make heads or tails of what your story’s actually about, let’s try this on just to see how it fits:

        A shy teenager must learn to control her subconscious mind when her dreams manifest in the real world and expose all her innermost secrets and desires.

        That’s the hook, right? That her dreams affect reality? We don’t always need to know the hows and whys and whos in a logline. Just the main character and her struggle may be enough here. The goal is to have everything in the logline be absolutely clear, and be intriguing enough for someone to want to know more. What you don’t have to do is pack every major element into the logline and try to make the whole story clear. Just create interest with simplicity and clarity. When people ask for more, then you provide more detail.

        Samurai Answered on August 13, 2015.
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          Good points raised above the concept may be great but I am unable to discern what it is from the logline.

          Perhaps consider a re draft that mentions only the MC her inciting incident and goal then it would be possible to see what back ground and character descriptions add to the concept and which confuse it.

          Hope this helps.

          Singularity Answered on August 13, 2015.
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            As others have said. The logline is hiding the game ball — the nature of “bizarre talent” (related it appears to her dreams) on which the whole plot pivots.

            Singularity Answered on August 14, 2015.
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