When a mysterious woman threatens to break everything he has strived for, Aldrin must either overcome their differences or the hopes and dreams of his people will die with him.
“When a mysterious woman threatens to break everything he has strived for, Aldrin must either overcome their differences or the hopes and dreams of his people will die with him.”
“When a mysterious woman threatens to break everything he has strived for,” is not an inciting incident. An inciting incident for a logline should describe a clear, singular event. The second half of the logline also suffers from not describing a clear, visual representative of an objective goal. Another note is that the logline is in the ‘fantasy’ category yet nothing in logline suggests the story is a fantasy tale.
To help with your loglines, I suggest you read the formula tab at the top of the page, and also read other people’s loglines, and attempt to give your own reviews for them. Read through the feedback others receive to help you understand logline structure, and because you will likely receive similar feedback.
To emphasize that last point, I will include some of my feedback from a previous review – For a revision, please consider these elements:
Inciting incident – what is the single event which upturns the protagonist’s life and forces them to pursue their goal? (For example, in “Star Wars” this would be when Luke Skywalker’s aunt and uncle are killed by Stormtroopers.)
Protagonist – No need to include a name in the logline unless it is a historical character or pre-established character. Consider describing the character with a trait or condition, possibly something which implies a character flaw. (Example: a stubborn politician).
Goal – what must the main character accomplish, what does the inciting incident make the protagonist have to do? This drives the main conflict. (Example: In “Star Wars”, Luke Skywalker must help the Rebellion destroy the Death Star.)
Keeping all of those components in mind, what is the hook of your story? What makes it unique or interesting? What aspect is going to get someone’s attention and make them what to read a script?
I hope this helps.
What has the lead character strived for?
Since the antagonist wants to break everything the lead character has strived for, knowing what that is will give us the stakes. And telling the reader what’s at stake will hook the reader.
When a mysterious woman threatens his orphanage…
When a mysterious woman threatens to take down his company…
When a mysterious stripper threatens to derail his run for the presidency by exposing their one night stand…
Vague is bad, so it is better to tell us what the stakes are so we can sympathize with the lead character.