When a naive bingo caller discovers ability to predict numbers, she must escape lottery boss’ wrath while trying to help disadvantaged around.

    Reworked version 2 for your consideration.

    Penpusher Posted on January 9, 2019 in Comedy.

    Hi,
    Please post revisions of the same logline on the same thread, at least until the logline is no longer on the first few pages.
    I personally post revisions in this spot as a comment so all of them are visible. Others post them as separate reviews in the thread.

    on January 9, 2019.
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      “When a naive bingo caller discovers ability to predict numbers, she must escape lottery boss’ wrath while trying to help disadvantaged around.” (22 words)

      Inciting incident: “discovers ability to predict numbers” —-> I think this needs to be clarified in the logline. Make sure to state who has the ability in the logline. But I think the real problem may be that this isn’t the real inciting incident. The inciting incident should be a single event which causes the protagonist to pursue her goal.
      For example, when Luke Skywalker’s family is killed by the Empire.  —> After this there’s a part where he tells Ben Kenobi: “I want to come with you to Alderaan. There’s nothing for me here now. I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father.”
      Where’s that moment in your story? The moment she realizes that the thing that’s holding her back is no longer an excuse?

      Protagonist: “a naive bingo caller” —-> Okay.

      Goal: “must escape lottery boss’ wrath while trying to help disadvantaged around.” —-> This reads as two goals,  one of which is passive(escape wrath), and the other is vague and nonspecific, and not visual. Both of these are also disconnected from the inciting incident, meaning that they lack a causal relationship. How does discovering she has a power lead to her being targeted?
      Example: Luke Skywalker must help the Rebellion destroy the Death Star.

      Antagonist: “lottery boss” —-> I assume you mean some sort of criminal boss. But ‘lottery boss’ isn’t a clear, generic description.

      I suggest reading through other people’s loglines and the feedback they receive to better understand what we’re looking for when we review.

      Summitry Answered on January 9, 2019.

      Will do, thank you for your input.

      on January 9, 2019.
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        What is the lead character’s goal?

        Singularity Answered on January 9, 2019.

        Help people around her in financial need I’d say all while trying not get killed by mafia as she empties jackpots of their lottos of the town. However I doubt I managed to state it clear in the logline.

        on January 9, 2019.
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