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JustinEadePenpusher
Posted: November 13, 20162016-11-13T14:19:09+10:00 2016-11-13T14:19:09+10:00In: Adventure

When a peace-seeking alien crashes in remotest New Zealand, a feisty female scientist and a taciturn hunter must rescue him from a war-like Vietnam vet.

When a peace-seeking alien crashes in remotest New Zealand, a feisty female scientist and a taciturn hunter must rescue him from a war-like Vietnam vet.
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    8 Reviews

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    1. Justine Penpusher
      2021-09-07T00:21:29+10:00Added an answer on September 7, 2021 at 12:21 am

      When crashing in remotest New Zealand, a piece-seeking alien must take help from a feisty female scientist and a taciturn hunter to flee a war-like Vietnam vet.

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    2. Knightrider Mentor
      2016-11-13T14:31:44+10:00Added an answer on November 13, 2016 at 2:31 pm

      Hmm, from the Logline I am not sure who the Protagonist is, is it the alien or the people finding it? If they know it is peaceful how do they know that?

      I like the idea as it seems like a play on Predator where the alien is fighting to stay alive rather than being the hunter. I also live in NZ so get points for the setting.

      Plus why is the Vietnam Vet after it? Not sure how many we have in NZ, so seems a bit random.

      As I said I like the reversal on Predator.

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    3. dpg Singularity
      2016-11-14T00:26:25+10:00Added an answer on November 14, 2016 at 12:26 am

      As Knightrider asked: who is the protagonist? ?And why is the Vietnam Vet intent on killing him?

      And how come only 3 people seem to know he has crash-landed? ?How come there are only 2 people who want to rescue him? ?Seems to me there would be a whole lot more people keen to rescue him, keep him alive?

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    4. Knightrider Mentor
      2016-11-14T12:25:32+10:00Added an answer on November 14, 2016 at 12:25 pm

      With everything that has happened today in NZ not sure am alien would stay. It’s been a shaky day.

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    5. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2016-11-14T12:42:38+10:00Added an answer on November 14, 2016 at 12:42 pm

      Seismic activity aside…

      As Knightrider and DPG pointed out, it’s hard to figure out who the MC is – who’s story it is. You describe four characters in the logline all of whom may be vital to the plot but it isn’t clear? how.

      I think one of the biggest problems is the descriptions you’re using:
      How is the hunter being taciturn relevant? Could you use a more common word than taciturn, such as ‘shy’ perhaps?

      What does “…war-like Vietnam vet…” mean? Is he or she a Vietnam vet or not?

      Why do you need to specify “…female…” as part of the MC description? It’s unnecessary as it contributes little to the reader’s understanding of the plot. If you want to specify that you’re writing a female lead character, use ‘she’ or ‘her’ in the logline. Otherwise, it seems more like pandering to a trend than a genuine need of the story. Women and men are equally capable of fulfilling the role of a main character, specifying one gender and not the other (you didn’t use ‘male’ for the hunter, vet or alien) suggests that you’re trying to make a point instead of telling a story.

      Once the descriptions are adjusted the causal connection that binds all the characters together may be clearer.

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    6. R.C. Penpusher
      2021-02-19T02:27:37+10:00Added an answer on February 19, 2021 at 2:27 am

      “remotest” – “taciturn” – Also, same as the comments above, who is who in the zoo?

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    7. [Deleted User]
      2022-04-09T06:02:34+10:00Added an answer on April 9, 2022 at 6:02 am

      I think it is amazing!

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    8. Yes2Wes Penpusher
      2023-02-16T13:18:20+10:00Added an answer on February 16, 2023 at 1:18 pm

      Why in New Zealand? War loving vet sounds American.
      Always begin with your hero or your villain. The alien sounds like the MacGuffin than anything.

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