When a pioneering kidney patient is confronted by a God-Committee reject, he takes on Washington to make life-saving dialysis treatments universally available.
>>> The hero of this story underwent kidney dialysis on the floor of Congress
That’s the story hook. I suggest you fashion a logline around that event. (Although, isn’t it more accurate to say he underwent dialysis in a committee room? ) So maybe something like:
A kidney patient rejected for a transplant demonstrates with dialysis treatments in the hall of Congress to make the treatment universally available.
>> The hero of this story underwent kidney dialysis on on the floor of Congress
This is Act III, right?
Say a little more and adjust things to create the feeling of “an amazing story.” With the clarifications in the comments, it so far sounds intriguing, but not amazing. Is there something special about what he did to get the appointment in Congress? Or was it more about him doing all this while slowly dying?
It doesn’t make a difference for craft, but for marketing mention that it’s a true story. Perhaps start the next logline with “The true story of…” (Though it doesn’t pay to use his name in the logline since he’s not well known.)
Robb Ross raises a valid point.
IMHO, even if the dialysis event occurs in Act 3, it’s the story hook in terms of the logline. It’s a trailer moment. It’s the logline element most likely to generate interest in reading the script (which is the objective goal of a logline). People will be curious to know the sequence of events that drove him to such a dramatic display of his plight, of the life-or-death plight of so many kidney patients.
I am a strong advocate of the standard formula explained under the “Our Formula” link at the top of the page. But if you’re a wannabe writer, with no track record of script sales, no agent, no contacts in the industry the most important element in your logline is the story hook. Period.
How else is your script going to get attention, stand out from the 10’s of thousands of other scripts that are put into play every year?
Is this a true story?
I’m not sure the inciting incident is as clear as it could be. Why is he a pioneering kidney patient? Surely the doctors are the pioneers? Kidney transplant patient? Rejection instead of reject? And rejected for what… a transplant? On what grounds?
The goal is pretty good but without that clarity from the I.I. it’s difficult to understand the importance of it.
Let me clarify my SOP when it comes to writing loglines for myself and suggesting loglines for others:
I personally write two loglines for my projects. The first is for mine eyes only, the second is for marketing the script to other pairs of eye balls.
The “Mine Eyes Only” only version must conform to the formula . Because the formula forces me to organize the script, nail down the essential elements of the plot. I’m not ready to write the first draft of a script until I’ve written a “Mine Eyes Only” version.
For that reason, I strongly encourage folks to first write a “formula” version of the logline. It’s not easy, but it is necessary.
I may not sweat the “Other Eye Balls”, the marketing version, until after I have done at least one draft of the script. In my experience, I discover the best hook for marketing the story in the process of writing a first (aka: “vomit”) draft. Or second… or third… or…
Now it may turn out that the plotting logline is good enough to do double duty as the marketing logline. But it is my experience and observation that one dual-purpose logline is not always feasible.
So on this website, my m.o. is to dig out a story hook for a marketing logline as well as offering suggestions for a “formula” logline (to organize the plot).
To repeat: I advise working up two versions of your logline for your projects, on for plotting, one for marketing.
My 2.5 cents worth.