When a pioneering kidney patient is confronted by a God-Committee reject, he takes on Washington to make life-saving dialysis treatments universally available.

glennpearl Penpusher Asked on March 13, 2019 in Historical.

Thank you for these suggestions.  I’ve posted a revision as a new logline.  Once again, greatly appreciate this thoughtful feedback!

on March 15, 2019.

I don’t have any other big punches. . .  the guy crosses paths with an artist who is not accepted for treatment.  This is the inciting incident that leads him to wade into Washington politics.  He doesn’t go to Washington to save his own life. . .  and is initially reluctant to get this deeply involved.

He’s also a guy who goes all out for his family (coaches little league, etc.)  His wife feels horribly put upon by the home dialysis routine (she puts his needles in and hooks him to the machine 3x/week).   So a strong B Plot.  . .  ironically he winds up with a better home life because of the admiration he receives from his inspired family who see his character grow to heroic proportions.

Is this not enough?  (Real question)

I would love to get a completed script into the hands of a Sarah Hyland (Modern Family) who is quite pubic about her trials having had two kidney transplants.  .  . Do you know her?

on March 15, 2019.
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5 Review(s)

>>> The hero of this story underwent kidney dialysis on  the floor of Congress

That’s the story hook.  I suggest you fashion a logline around that event.  (Although, isn’t it more accurate to say he underwent dialysis in a committee room? )  So maybe something like:

A kidney patient rejected for a transplant demonstrates with dialysis treatments in the hall of Congress  to make the treatment universally available.
(22 words)

dpg Singularity Reviewed on March 14, 2019.
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>> The hero of this story underwent kidney dialysis on on the floor of Congress

This is Act III, right?

Say a little more and adjust things to create the feeling of “an amazing story.” With the clarifications in the comments, it so far sounds intriguing, but not amazing. Is there something special about what he did to get the appointment in Congress? Or was it more about him doing all this while slowly dying?

It doesn’t make a difference for craft, but for marketing mention that it’s a true story. Perhaps start the next logline with “The true story of…” (Though it doesn’t pay to use his name in the logline since he’s not well known.)

Robb Ross Samurai Reviewed on March 14, 2019.
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Robb Ross raises a valid point.

IMHO, even if the dialysis event occurs in  Act 3, it’s the story hook in terms of the logline.  It’s a trailer moment.  It’s the logline element  most likely to  generate interest in reading the script (which is the objective goal of a logline).   People will  be curious to  know the sequence of events that drove him to such a dramatic display of his plight, of the life-or-death plight of so many kidney patients.

I am a strong advocate of the standard formula explained under the “Our Formula” link at the top of the page.  But if you’re a wannabe writer, with no track record of script sales, no agent, no contacts in the industry the most important element in your logline is the story hook.  Period.

New paragraph.

How else is your script going to get  attention, stand out from the 10’s of thousands of other scripts that are put into play every year?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on March 15, 2019.
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Is this a true story?

I’m not sure the inciting incident is as clear as it could be. Why is he a pioneering kidney patient? Surely the doctors are the pioneers? Kidney transplant patient? Rejection instead of reject? And rejected for what… a transplant? On what grounds?

The goal is pretty good but without that clarity from the I.I. it’s difficult to understand the importance of it.

mikepedley85 Overlord Reviewed on March 13, 2019.

Thank you for feedback .  Yes, a true story. There was a time (in the 60’s) when kidney dialysis was new, experimental, and heavily rationed (by so-called God Committees).  The hero of this story underwent kidney dialysis on on the floor of Congress in order to convince legislators to pass a bill that would fully fund dialysis treatments.  It’s an amazing story.

Would greatly appreciate any other feedback you may have.  Thanks again!

on March 13, 2019.
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