When a poor girl from Redfern learns her brother has died in the War, she must keep his memory alive by playing his favourite game- Rugby League. Trouble is, it’s 1921.
The first sentence in the logline is a long way of saying – After her brother is killed…
Every word counts in a logline.
The logline has a clear starting point and a powerful motivator – death of a sibling, however it doesn’t describe a specific goal. What does playing his favorite game mean? Play for 1 minute? 5 minutes? Win the grand final? What is the specific goal the main character has in her sight?
Secondly the logic that connects the inciting incident, motivation and goal is lost on me. Why must she play the game to keep his memory alive? Is there anything specific about her playing footy that will be clearly and directly connected to his memory? Perhaps she decides to hide his death from the game’s officials and then pose as her brother to get his name immortalized on the grand final trophy or sport hall of fame.
Lastly period pieces are much more expensive to produce and are less likely to get made, why not rewrite it in modern day? Unfortunately war, racism and sexism are still around.
Just reorder it. No need to use the date as a surprise because it will be the setting and obvious in the establishing shots. Which war? WW1 was over by three years? Anyway here is how I would approach it.
When her brother dies in WW1 a poor girl from Redfern is desperate to keep his memory alive by playing his favour sport rugby league, but must overcome the racism and sexism of the time.
i am guessing you singled out Redfern as it had a large aboriginal community. But I am not sure that was the case in the 20’s. If that isn’t the case just drop all that detail; or say an aboriginal girl. Mostly because people outside Sydney (let alone Australia) would have no idea about Redfern. Is she isn’t aboriginal just a say “poor”.