When a sacred family heirloom goes missing, a devoted widow is stalked by a deranged young woman who believes that she took the emblem and she viciously sets out to retrieve what might be rightfully hers.

    Penpusher Posted on February 14, 2020 in Drama.
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    3 Review(s)

      Agree with Han_Heya.

      There’s a lot of “she” and “her” in here. It’s quite difficult to follow who’s doing what.

      If the widow is the protagonist, write it all from her perspective. If it’s the deranged young woman, from hers. If the deranged young woman is the protagonist, I struggle to see how an audience is going to connect with a deranged woman who viciously goes after things. If the devoted widow is the protagonist… well I have no idea of what the set up for her is other than she is a devoted widow.

      Who owned the heirloom to begin with?

      It’s a little muddled at the moment. I’m struggling to see connections between the elements. Currently, I feel I could simplify this as “When her heirloom goes missing, a crazy lady stalks the woman she thinks took it and tries to get it back”. ┬áIs that right?

       

      Singularity Answered on February 14, 2020.
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        This sounds like a thriller. Maybe take out ‘she viciously’ because she’s described as deranged so one would think that she’s already going to go about it in a crazy and/or scary way.

        Logliner Answered on February 14, 2020.
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          Agreed with the above.

           

          Also, the stakes seem rather low. Could there be more to the heirloom? Maybe it has more than just sentimental value? Related to life saving research etc…

          Singularity Answered on February 15, 2020.
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