When a self-absorbed desert-trawling truckie falls for a devoted mother and city writer online, he must take responsibility for his own son, before winning her heart or losing his last chance for true love.
Louise WeihartPenpusher
When a self-absorbed desert-trawling truckie falls for a devoted mother and city writer online, he must take responsibility for his own son, before winning her heart or losing his last chance for true love.
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Hmmmm…. Not grabbing me. ?Self-absorbed – hate him already so don;t want him as MC. ? Leave that out of the logline unless it’s VERY important to the story. ?Desert trawling: perhaps say loner; Why must he take responsibility for his own son? ?That seems to be an important issue ?so focus on it more. ? And note: 90 year old find love in aged care homes, so it’s not his last chance. Make her his soul-mate and show why it has to be?NOW and not in five or more years.
Not easy, I know. ?But how about: “When a lonely, divorced truck driver learns his son will soon be orphaned, he woos his?internet soul-mate to turn friendship into love”
Not saying it’s a good logline because it doesn’t “grab” the interest, and the experts will probably castigate me, but I’m just trying to get you to change your?perspective (took me ages to change mine!!!) ?Try to think: What would lure the consumer to spend their hard earned cash to see this movie when they don’t know the storyline like I do?
Good advice, Russ.
You really have to do so much with a logline, well, you don’t have to, but you may as well!
“Hey, did you see the movie about the self-absorbed desert-trawling truckie?”
“Yep, saw it last night. It was the best?self-absorbed desert-trawling truckie movie I’ve ever seen.”
Condescending, I know. I guess we all try to jam as many words to describe our characters as possible. Less is more sometimes.
“It was the one in the desert, with the truck driver, you know… the love story.”
I agree with ?RusselN that it’s better to describe him as lonely rather than self-absorbed.
And I would describe him as a long-haul trucker to signal that (either by choice or by assignment) he’s on the road most of the time far away from any home (his own or his son’s). ?This is his alibi ?to himself and to others for why can’t spend quality time — any time — with his son
I have a nick-picky quibble (because I’m rather OCD when it comes to wording): to wit, technically, how can his son be “orphaned” when he has a father who is still alive? ?And since the father is “divorced” we are left to surmise that the mother is still alive ?also. (Is she?) ?So, again, how can it be said the son is in danger of being ‘orphaned’. ?Isn’t it rather the case that both father and mother are on the verge of losing custody of him to foster care because of parental neglect?
If this is the case, then isn’t his responsibility to man up — or rather, father up. ? And ?why does he need to turn “friendship into love”? ? Is he not wooing his Internet soul mate for the sake of his son, to give him a ?stable home, a decent mother? ?Isn’t that how the objective goal of the logline should be framed — he’s not doing it for himself (that would truly be a self-absorbed motive); he’s wooing her for the sake of his son.
I think there is the raw material for a great human interest story here, but I suggest the concept needs some additional polishing.
fwiw
Him starting out as self-absorbed is a part of the character arc. Perhaps you don’t have to put it in the logline but it seems an important part of the arc. What does taking responsibility for his own son mean? What do we see on screen? Describe a visual action. How does taking care of his son win over the girl?
As for Russell’s version, if he is the child’s father, than how would he be orphaned? I’m guessing you mean his step parents are dead. The last part doesn’t make sense, the inciting incident wouldn’t logically lead to that. It would make sense for him to take in his son.
The most important thing, though. What is the hook? I generally stay away from romance films, but from this logline attempt there is nothing that stands out, that is unique or different, or raises any particular interest. It seems just another film where a guy wants the girl, the girl resists the guy, and then the guy finds a way to win the girl in the end. Is there some twist, something you can change or add that will draw interest?
A logline is used to pitch to producers, to people who have the money to invest in your story and make it into a film. How will your logline get your script read?
I love the ‘self-absorbed’ part. Leave that in. Last I checked Tom Cruise was pretty self absorbed in Rain Man and the Oscar people didn’t seem to mind. ?It’s the reason he will have trouble taking responsibility for his son, because clearly he usually only cares about himself.
Also, it’s a lot more specific and interesting than lonely. I’d watch a high-flawed self-absorbed character learn their lesson any day, over a moping lonely dude who spends all his time on the road.
I would chance desert trawling to long-haul truck driver as that paints a clearer picture of him and his occupation. Desert trawler is trying to hard and makes him sound more like something out of Mad Max, where he spends his days search the post-apocalyptic desert trawling for resources.
I don’t think the fact that they met online adds anything. In fact personally that makes it sound boring, I would consider changing it, and certainly leave it out of the logline.
And I would structure the second half. Cut back on the romance, it’s implied. Just so long as it is the goal. So something like this:
To win the heart of a big city writer, self-absorbed long-haul trucker must first take responsibility for his own estranged son.
Agreed with all the above!
Hi Louise…
What is the cause and effect relationship connecting his action of taking responsibility for his own son and his ability to win the woman’s heart?
This seems like a crucial part of the plot but is currently unclear.
Also, what does “…take responsibility for his own son…” look like? What does this mean in terms of cinematic action?
Hi guys, thank you all so much for your comments. It’s given me lots to think about.
Russell, you?re right ? 90-year-olds do fall in love! Why her specifically? I have some corny ideas about kismet moments and reminders of a dead lover ??.. but I?m not sure beyond that.
Paul, thanks, your suggested logline is so much better than mine in capturing what the story is about.
Nir, I have given some thought to your questions and perhaps ‘taking responsibility’ is not the main flaw that he has to deal with (but is a secondary flaw maybe). The cause and effect is that he wants her love but he can’t even love his own son so he needs to be able to?love (and take responsibility for) his own flesh and blood before he can truly love anyone else (otherwise it’s just self-absorbed, selfish ‘love’.) How that could look could be taking his son on the road with him (maybe to help him with a job and get him away from drugs/foster care) rather than ignoring his son and obsessing about getting the girl on the road. So maybe, something along these lines ?
When a self-absorbed long-haul trucker falls for a big city writer, he must learn to love and include his estranged son in his world, before he can win her heart.
?To win the heart of a big city writer by getting her to fall in love with the road, a self-absorbed long-haul trucker must first learn to love and take responsibility for his estranged son by including him in his world.
“…he wants her love but he can?t even love his own son so he needs to be able to?love (and take responsibility for) his own flesh and blood before he can truly love anyone else …”
This is not a cause and effect, it’s a statement that you made in retrospect. If you were to ask any person the following:
If a long-haul trucker falls in love with a writer in the city, what do you think he should do?
The answer would be: well obviously he needs to drive from the desert to the city and go after the woman.
The answer would not be: well obviously he needs to take responsibility for and love his own son.
The two actions simply don’t add up to the goal you’re trying to have him pursue. He can have a subplot in which he patches up a broken relationship with his estranged son, but it’s not a part of the main (‘A’) plot and therefore shouldn’t be in the logline.
Cause and effect need to be inherent in the combination of events and actions, and the obstacles need to be cinematic not just internal emotions.
I suggest you think outside the box to find a better obstacle standing in his way from getting the girl, then devise a set of visual actions that will convey his pursuit of the goal. What if, he’s stuck on a 5 day trip from one side of the country to the other, and he gets the news that the love of his life is about to move overseas in 4 days. He now has to drive his loads faster than he should in order to get to her before she leaves forever.
Thanks Nir, I think it is definitely time for me to attend one of your analysis meetups 🙂