When a self-described “monster” is released from prison after 25 years, he must confront his past and modern America on the 2000 mile trip home with his only friend for company; the person who betrayed him. That’s me.
If you say you betrayed him, it sounds as if you were the co-conspirator who turned state’s evidence and got off free while he went to jail.
On the other hand, if you were the witness (or victim) whose testimony sent him to jail, then you did not betray him.
Either way, I think the logline would be strengthened if it mentioned the specific crime and your relationship to it.
Interesting. I like the basic premise for this. Who is the biography about? Is it autobiographical?
Currently, the protagonist is the “monster”. The inciting incident and goal are both his however by introducing yourself I’m a bit confused who’s telling the story. I don’t see any reason why he can’t be the protagonist but told through your eyes I guess… I think it may be difficult to for the audience to relate to both the betrayer and the betrayed though. It’s definitely an interesting idea. I wonder whether you should make yourself the protagonist and write the logline from your POV. There are two great emotional journeys there though for sure and both equally valid but telling it from your perspective as the betrayer might have more weight to it – I’m definitely more intrigued from your emotional journey.
It’s also hard to relate to him as the main character if he’s a “monster”. Who is this guy? Friend? Relative? Lover? What was he in prison for?
The goal is a bit vague at the moment I think. It needs to more visual. Film is a visual medium and I can’t picture what someone “confronting his past” looks like on screen without more details. Confronting modern America is easier – I’m reminded of Brooks and Red in Shawshank Redemption. It’s tricky to know what to suggest, particularly if this is autobiographical, but I think the goal needs to be more objective – like simply getting home in one piece with the person who betrayed him. The emotional journey (in my opinion) is obvious. It’s got a lot less to do with confronting his past and modern America than sitting for 2000 miles with the person who handed him in.
Looking forward to seeing where this one goes. Hope this helps.
When I evaluate a logline, the first question I ask is: what’s the story hook? What is the feature that makes the project stand out from similar projects? What grabs my attention, makes me want to read the script, see the film?
Reviewing the thread of discussion, I found this statement salient:
>>>My reason for going there is because I want to try and see if it’s possible to rebuild a relationship with someone who has been part of your life but whom you really don’t know at all.
So this is the story hook that comes to my mind: it’s about a documentary film maker rebuilding a relationship with someone she betrayed. Before making further suggestions, I would like to know a little more about the the nature of the betrayal. Would you care to elaborate? Also what is the purpose of your subject revisiting those sites and people? To make amends? To apologize? Or…?