Logliner
Posted: 2019-08-08T01:18:05+10:00 In:

When a small town is terrorized by killer deer, an underachieving Park Ranger and her trainee must track down the source of the outbreak while keeping themselves and the townspeople from becoming the endangered species.

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    8 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      This works

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    2. Singularity

      Title: Deerly Departed

      I’m hoping this is a horror comedy!

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    3. Singularity

      Only thing I think could be addressed… I’m being pretty picky because it’s already a strong logline IMO.

      “track down the source of the outbreak”
      And then what? What are they going to do when they discover this cause? Kill all the deer? Find a cure?

      How do they keep the townspeople safe while they’re off tracking the cure?

      Again, I’m being super picky! I think it might be worth addressing the “track the source….” bit. You don’t want to give us the ending, but what do they actually set out to do? You don’t track down the source without any idea what to do next…. although?you could have that as part of a scene Ranger: “We need to track down the source of the outbreak” Trainee: “ok… and then what?” Park Ranger: “I’m going to figure that out on the way”.

      Why deer out of curiosity?

      Anyway… like I say, nice work! I’d watch it.

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    4. Singularity

      >>zombie deer

      There’s your story hook. A must-have phrase in your logline and pitch.

      Also, why not switch roles, make the park ranger a woman, the trainee a guy?? It’s the age of #MeToo and #TimesUp now.

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    5. Singularity

      I’m with dpg. The words zombie deer NEED to be in your logline!

      When a small town is terrorised by zombie deer…

      Loving it!

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    6. Logliner

      This reads great to me. Nice work. I would maybe think about an a description for ‘Trainee’ as well. Something like ‘inept trainee’ or ‘over-eager trainee’ whatever you had in mind for that character. I also like the idea that they might be ‘zombie reindeer’ 🙂 instead of regular deers. Reindeer’s a generally bigger and more intimidating animals in the wild I believe.

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    7. Logliner

      Couple of tweaks with all your great feedback, how does this sound:

      ?

      When a small town is terrorized by zombie deer, an underachieving Park Ranger and her enthusiastic trainee search for a cure while keeping themselves and the townspeople from becoming the endangered species.

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    8. Singularity

      kcguru:

      Your latest version is probably good enough.? But as I am an an OCD nit picker, I am inclined to suggest a slightly more concise version, like:

      When a small town is attacked by zombie deer, an underachieving park ranger searches for a cure while fighting to save the townspeople from becoming an endangered species.

      (28 words versus 32 words)

      The enthusiastic trainee may be unnecessary for the logline unless, perhaps, you are playing the story as a dark comedy horror in which case the relationship between the two would be an important source of comic relief. I kind of see it as a comedy-horror flick, a parody of the trope, because of the “Bambi goes Beserk” twist/hook, innocent looking deer are an endangering species, not an endangered one.

      As for cutting out “keeping themselves”– it goes without saying they want to save themselves. So it need not be said.

      Whatever.? Zombie deer is a killer concept.?? This is a film I would definitely want to see.? Very best wishes.

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