When a small town is terrorized by killer deer, an underachieving Park Ranger and her trainee must track down the source of the outbreak while keeping themselves and the townspeople from becoming the endangered species.

Logliner Posted on August 8, 2019 in Horror.
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8 Review(s)

This works

Singularity Answered on August 8, 2019.
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Title: Deerly Departed

I’m hoping this is a horror comedy!

Summitry Answered on August 8, 2019.

It is lol. It’s written along the lines of Tremors and Slither.

on August 8, 2019.

Good! I’m glad to hear it hahaha. Nice work!

on August 8, 2019.
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Only thing I think could be addressed… I’m being pretty picky because it’s already a strong logline IMO.

“track down the source of the outbreak”
And then what? What are they going to do when they discover this cause? Kill all the deer? Find a cure?

How do they keep the townspeople safe while they’re off tracking the cure?

Again, I’m being super picky! I think it might be worth addressing the “track the source….” bit. You don’t want to give us the ending, but what do they actually set out to do? You don’t track down the source without any idea what to do next…. although you could have that as part of a scene Ranger: “We need to track down the source of the outbreak” Trainee: “ok… and then what?” Park Ranger: “I’m going to figure that out on the way”.

Why deer out of curiosity?

Anyway… like I say, nice work! I’d watch it.

Summitry Answered on August 8, 2019.

Great feedback! Thanks Mike! I had actually read an article somewhere about chronic wasting disease affecting deer so that they almost seemed like zombie deer and it just stuck with me. I mean, there’s deer everywhere and we generally think they’re harmless.

on August 8, 2019.

Any thoughts on time of year?

In my head, Christmas would work really nicely! Ok, they’re not reindeer but still… could be comedic mileage in it.

on August 8, 2019.
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>>zombie deer

There’s your story hook. A must-have phrase in your logline and pitch.

Also, why not switch roles, make the park ranger a woman, the trainee a guy?  It’s the age of #MeToo and #TimesUp now.

Singularity Answered on August 8, 2019.

You got it! Thanks! I’m actually planning on having both rangers be women right now.

on August 8, 2019.
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I’m with dpg. The words zombie deer NEED to be in your logline!

When a small town is terrorised by zombie deer…

Loving it!

Summitry Answered on August 8, 2019.

It’s going in!

 

 

 

on August 8, 2019.
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This reads great to me. Nice work. I would maybe think about an a description for ‘Trainee’ as well. Something like ‘inept trainee’ or ‘over-eager trainee’ whatever you had in mind for that character. I also like the idea that they might be ‘zombie reindeer’ 🙂 instead of regular deers. Reindeer’s a generally bigger and more intimidating animals in the wild I believe.

Penpusher Answered on August 8, 2019.

I’m definitely leaning towards the over-eager description. There’s actually a part in there where she recites the Park Ranger Oath to her trainer lol. Never thought about the reindeer aspect… something to think about! Thanks!

on August 8, 2019.
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Couple of tweaks with all your great feedback, how does this sound:

 

When a small town is terrorized by zombie deer, an underachieving Park Ranger and her enthusiastic trainee search for a cure while keeping themselves and the townspeople from becoming the endangered species.

Logliner Answered on August 8, 2019.

Yep! That works!

on August 8, 2019.
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kcguru:

Your latest version is probably good enough.  But as I am an an OCD nit picker, I am inclined to suggest a slightly more concise version, like:

When a small town is attacked by zombie deer, an underachieving park ranger searches for a cure while fighting to save the townspeople from becoming an endangered species.

(28 words versus 32 words)

The enthusiastic trainee may be unnecessary for the logline unless, perhaps, you are playing the story as a dark comedy horror in which case the relationship between the two would be an important source of comic relief. I kind of see it as a comedy-horror flick, a parody of the trope, because of the “Bambi goes Beserk” twist/hook, innocent looking deer are an endangering species, not an endangered one.

As for cutting out “keeping themselves”– it goes without saying they want to save themselves. So it need not be said.

Whatever.  Zombie deer is a killer concept.   This is a film I would definitely want to see.  Very best wishes.

Singularity Answered on August 8, 2019.

Makes a lot of sense about not needing the “keeping themselves” line in there and you absolutely nailed it with the dark comedy/comic relief with the two rangers. They will play off each other for the majority of the movie.

on August 9, 2019.
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