When a solitary 11 year old 3D prints himself, he must defend his “twin” against a dodgy businessman who will go to any lengths to get his hands on the clone, including kidnap, blackmail and murder.
I think the problem with the logline is that you make 3d printing people almost sound normal, so it brings up the question of why the businessman wants the clone if he could make his own.
I have two versions that I’m trying to define the antagonist’s goal a bit more.
#1: After a boy clones himself using 3D printing, he has to keep his clone safe from a businessman seeking the way to make a clone army.(~26 words)
This gives the businessman a clear goal, and the protagonist a good reason to want to keep it out of his hands, and I also specifically mention 3D printing because the businessman is searching for method of cloning.
#2: After a boy clones himself, he has to keep his clone safe from a businessman looking to make clone slaves.(~20 words.)
I don’t mention the 3D printing in this version because while it is interesting it isn’t relevant. The antagonist has a clear goal- to make clones for slave labor. In fact, going this way, it could even help to mention that the businessman’s company is failing and they need a way to save money-free labor, giving the antagonist a desperation, a drive to see his company thrive, so he’ll go to any length.
Hope this helps.
I think one of the problems with this logline is that the story has no clear end point, as it is now, the boy will just keep on hiding his clone indefinitely. But the question is; how will he know he has achieved his goal of keeping his clone safe?
I also think the other big problem is that there are no clear stakes in the action and events of the story, if the business man gets the clone the boy can just make another – after all, that’s the great thing about clones.
I think best to re think the concept with a ‘do or die’ aspect to it, what must he achieve or else…
I think you should find a why to make his solitary nature important to the logline. If he doesn’t trust people, does that push him to do this by himself? Does he form a special bond with his clone despite his reclusive nature?
I think you should just say ‘cloned’ as in a previous version of your logline. Or focus more on the 3d printer and say something like “when he accidently creates a sentient being from a 3d printer…” and then you would be able to link that to the antagonist’s goal more clearly “a dodgy business man wants to get ahold of the clone to find out how he did it” or some such. Because obviously we don’t have 3d printed people running amok as of now.