When a stranger’s corpse tells her he’s an unsolved murder victim, an impetuous journalist must follow his clues and unmask the killer for the story of her career.
Seems like a simple, solid idea. The logline also seems pretty good, but is a bit long.
Logline: “When a stranger’s corpse appears in her bedroom and reveals he was murdered, an impetuous movie critic must piece together the clues and unmask the killer so she can rest in peace.” (32 words)
Protagonist: “an impetuous movie critic” —> Usually, I only recommend describing a character by their career if it implies skills that the protagonist would be able to use in the conflict. In this case, I’m not sure ‘movie critic’ is effective. It takes two words.At least to me, being a film critic doesn’t really involve the type of investigative skills someone would need to solve a mystery. So I recommend either finding a way to shorten it to one word, or consider a different description.
Antagonist: “the killer” —> Clearly described. This is okay.
Goal: “must piece together the clues and unmask the killer so she can rest in peace.” —> This could be trimmed. I’m also confused. The corpse is described as ‘he’ but in this section the logline states: “so she can rest in peace.” Is this just a typo, or are you referring to the protagonist being able to rest in peace?
Inciting incident: “When a stranger’s corpse appears in her bedroom and reveals he was murdered” —> Could be trimmed as well. Otherwise, is okay. It shares a causal relationship with the goal and the possible climaxes could be easily inferred from this event.
>Climax: Either the protagonist solves the case or she doesn’t. —> Either is an inevitable outcome of the inciting incident.
Example: After an undead stranger tells her he was murdered, an impetuous film critic must find the killer so the stranger may rest in peace. (24 words).
I hope this helps.
It feels weird that a ‘corpse tells’ her his story. Does that mean corpse talks to her? If so, it’d have to be either a zombie or a ghost. In that case, you might as well use the actual term. Or the corpse could be part of an experiment which protagonist will discover and eventually uncover the scientist behind it. I very much like the premise but logline could be more clear and catchy.