When a struggling repo agent gets arrested, she is rescued and recruited by a mysterious business woman that specializes in acquiring and selling exotic, hard to find, mythical items to the highest bidder.

    Logliner Posted on October 1, 2018 in Drama.
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    7 Review(s)

      Never start a logline with “When something happens, this person does this.” Tell us about the protagonist. People care about people, not about the thing that happens to them.

      And be specific. There are a lot of vague notions and descriptions here; we need to know the basics of the story: protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. You want people to read a logline and be interested in reading the whole story, not forced to ask questions just to understand what the story is about. So don’t tell us she gets arrested but not why, because we’ll just ask why. The single adjective “struggling” tells us all we need to know about her at this point.

      Also this whole thing makes your hero sound passive, in that events are occurring to her instead of her taking action in some way. Plus businesswoman is one word and don’t use “that” when referring to a person; use “who”.

      I think in this case simpler may be better: A struggling repo agent is recruited by a mysterious businesswoman to collect mystical artifacts. That implies some danger and conflict, but it might be better to provide more detail with specifics about a particular goal or object, or about any direct antagonist there may be: A struggling repo agent is hired by a mysterious businesswoman to reclaim a gemstone with mystical powers from the clutches of an evil cult. Or whatever the story actually is.

      That example is actually a bit sloppy, but you get the idea: hit us with the basics, make it compelling, make us want to know and read more.

      Samurai Answered on October 1, 2018.
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        As Richiev says, no goal. Also, no conflict. All I know is that she gets RESCUED. Saved. Out of trouble. Where is the new trouble?

        You use a lot of words to describe the business woman: she is MYSTERIOUS and she SPECIALISES in ACQUIRING and SELLING EXOTIC, HARD TO FIND, MYTHICAL items. Try getting rid of most of those to make some space for the Goal.

        Mentor Answered on October 1, 2018.
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          Agree with both Richiev and giannisggeorgiou.

          I also want to know why this repo-agent has been selected. What characteristic could she have that’d go someway to explaining why the mysterious business woman has hired her (out of everyone else). The characteristic is usually used to set up the character’s arc (shy –> confident, rich –> poor, etc) and/or goes some way to explaining who this character is and how they will react to the events in the story. An angry person will get angry,  a drunk will be drunk. In your logline I feel like it needs to be something like “cocky” or “resourceful”. Something that, in the world of mythical artefact acquisition and auctions, gives her an edge.

          Why was she arrested? That’s the inciting incident in this story… but I can’t see how this has any impact on the rest of tale. Usually, the inciting incident is an event that upsets the balance in the protagonist’s life and their goal becomes to set it right again. I think you could just cut that bit out and say “When she’s recruited by a mysterious businesswoman…” as per Richiev’s suggestion.

          Summitry Answered on October 1, 2018.

          Agreed; also, you don’t have to tell us that, ‘the businesswoman specializes in acquiring and selling exotic hard to find, mythical items’ just tell us the specific ‘exotic and hard to find mythical item’ she wants the lead to find. Be specific. If the item is mythical then it should be an object the reader would know.

          on October 1, 2018.
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            You have a situation but you have not told us what’s the lead character’s goal.
            “When she’s recruited by a mysterious businesswoman to acquire the Holy Grail, and ex-repo agent must…” (Then tell us what she must do)

            Singularity Answered on October 1, 2018.
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              As the others have said.  Hired to do what? What is her job, her objective goal? There seems to be a McGuffin involved — what is it?

              Singularity Answered on October 2, 2018.
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                Thank you all for the great suggestions! I appreciate it! I’m working on tweaking it now.

                Logliner Answered on October 2, 2018.

                It promises some intrigue. Can’t wait for the new version.

                As far as I know, the moderators of the site prefer having all versions of the same logline posted under the same page, so go ahead and put it under these comments. Feel free to nag us with direct messages when this happens, because I don’t think we have any other form of notification.

                Good luck!

                on October 2, 2018.
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                  The logline would be for a TV show, so it wouldn’t just be one item, it would be several over the course of the season. Would this be better?

                  A resourceful repo agent gets recruited by a mysterious business woman who specializes in retrieving and selling fabled and mythical artifacts.

                  Logliner Answered on October 2, 2018.
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