When a suave playboy’s young lover brings him home to meet her father, an old friend and rival, he begins to fall for the father’s fiancee.
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words max, the shorter the better.
This is very muddled regarding who’s who and falling for whom, or even how many characters are involved…there’s the playboy, the lover, the father, a fiancée…who’s the old friend and rival? Is that one or two people? A more direct & straightforward sentence will help clear this up.
In a screenplay, nobody should “begin” to do anything. They do it or they don’t. Same goes for a logline. If he falls for someone, just say he falls for someone. A reader can presume an action taking place has begun.
It seems as if what sets the lead character into conflict is actually falling for his rivals fiance’
The story would be about what your character does about it.
Therefore I wouldn’t bury it at the end of the logline.
Or to put it another way, this logline is all set-up.