When a Talent Agency for Dogs is faced with imminent demise, a flamboyant receptionist has only 48 hours to convince the mid divorce agent, win the heart of a psychotic client and train his pooch to overcome stage fright in order to realize his dream and save the company.
I think that posting multiple new loglines is less efficient than re-posting on the original thread, seeing as it’s harder to track its progression that way. Further more it is hard to figure out which logline you actually want help with, I assume it’s the latest version…?
The biggest problems with this logline lay in the concept – the stakes are not high or personal enough to make for a compelling enough story.
Secondly the logline is plagued with a lack of clarity as a result of confusing descriptions, unclear motivations and multiple goals.
The MC is clearly described as flamboyant, but in what way will this either hinder or aid him in achieving his goal?
Flamboyant is not a character flaw or a problem he NEEDS to over come, so it’s a waist of a word in a logline. Is there a more relevant flaw you can describe instead?
The order of the actions you’re describing is confusing.
As the reader goes through the logline they first read this:
“…has only 48 hours to convince the mid divorce agent…”
But you don’t specify what he needs to convince the agent of, as a result this action is confusing when first read and makes the reader need to read it again.
Then the reader is directed to deduct that the way in which the receptionist will save the company is by winning “…the heart of a psychotic client…”. If the client is already an existing client, they don’t need to win the client’s heart rather satisfy their outrageous needs – this miss direction adds to the confusion.
The reader then moves on to a third action which is to “…train his pooch to overcome stage fright…” without additional detail, it is unclear how training his pooch will realize his dream or save the company – segue into:
The reader is met with two goals – “…realize his dream and save the company.”
Which of these is the primary, single, objective and visual goal the MC must achieve? Describe only that instead of two.
Like, Nir Shelter I prefer that writers post revisions in the thread of a logline rather than posting the revision as a new logline. It facilitates continuity of discussion.
And also think the logline is cluttered with too many “objective goals”. And I put objective goals in quotes because they really aren’t objective goals. They are ways and means to obtain the singular objective goal: save the company.
And I also concur with Nir Shelter that “flamboyant” is extraneous. While it may be a defining characteristic of the character it doesn’t seem to be a relevant characteristic to the dramatic problem; IOW: it’s not a character flaw that poses a threat, an obstacle to the character obtaining his objective goal.