When a taser-slinging HOA president threatens to harm her pooch, a mom stages a coup to take him down — during the neighborhood’s ladies-only Bunco Night. (25 words)

    Title: Bunco Night

    This rewrite includes a new inciting incident that raises stakes a bit. What do you think? 

     

    Samurai Posted on June 14, 2019 in Comedy.
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    2 Review(s)

      Why only threaten? Why not go all out and have him actually taser the dog? Reverse Save the Cat moment = instant villain!

      Not sure you need the “during the neighbourhood’s….” line at the end.

      When the vile HOA President tasers her dog, a shy soccer mom stages a coup to take him down. (19 words)

       

      Summitry Answered on June 14, 2019.

      Interesting thought. My only reluctance is my love of dogs.

      on June 14, 2019.

      And I would somehow like to connect the title to Logline. I think the picture of a group of moms plotting under the cover of darkness of their bunco night away from husbands is funny. But maybe it’s just me. That’s why I so much appreciate these comments.

      on June 14, 2019.

      I’m from the UK, I don’t even know what a Bunco night is to be honest – I think that’s why I don’t think it matters. We don’t really of HOA over here… we have Neighbourhood Watch and even that’s not as prevalent (in my experience) as HOA.

      I love dogs too… so do a lot of people. That’s why it’s a good idea if you want to make a villain instantly detestable.

      I love the idea of the title being related to the club that all these ladies are doing. I think that’s definitely the right approach, it’s simply my familiarity with Bunco nights that makes it not work for me.

      on June 14, 2019.

      Gotcha.

      on June 17, 2019.

      And your comment is quite helpful as I’ve been toying with idea of making her a European ex race car driver to heighten the fish out of water experience (and give me a good golf car chase -a cliche chase that seems required in American movies). Good to know HOA and Bunco would be foreign concepts!

      on June 17, 2019.
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        Agree with mikepedley85 that the tasering could be the tipping point provocation, the one that triggers the woman to plot a coup .  And it’s the culmination of a series of offenses inflicted by the HOA honcho on others, not just the antagonist.  That is necessary in order to motivate others to become co-conspirators.

        Singularity Answered on June 16, 2019.
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