When a terminally ill student wants to commit suicide, he meets an enigmatic girl who gives him new courage to face life, only to find out that her life expectancy is lower than his.
It’s going to be a mix of drama and comedy.
When I see the wording “suicidal terminally ill student” my gut reaction, although harsh was – why bother? Why should I bother to invest any emotions in a lead who is physically/emotionally dead already?
Not knowing your story, I came up with some stuff to allow me to care 😊
- “A suicidal terminally ill student finds hope” to “A terminally ill student on the verge of committing suicide finds hope”.
- “after falling for an enigmatic girl” to the epitome of upbeat – how about falling for a cheerleader? He is a student, right?
- I do not believe you need to state “who gives him new courage to face life” – the word hope is universal for someone in his state. Plus, losing that will free up space for some hopes dashed stuff mentioned by CraigDGriffiths.
With the help of a cheerleader, a terminally ill student on the verge of committing suicide finds inspiration but hopes are dashed when he discovers her life expectancy is shorter than his.
I love this version, Odie!
Is it possible to use it for my script?
I will may change the cheerleader part, because I thought of having the girl be a stage actor.
Thank you for your feedback!
Be my guest!
I think you’re getting there, but think about the following:
- Love has more impact than inspiration – this girl can inspire many, what’s so different/special about him and their connection?
- They both are in their stages of dying, but why now this story? Maybe fashioning the logline around the graduation date will give us this and a deadline? He must find love, the first kiss, get laid, not die before graduation?
Fill in these gaps to make this a more compelling logline.
Thank you! Well, regarding your points:
- I would change the word inspiration to love, like: With the help of a stage actress, a terminally ill student on the verge of committing suicide finds love but hopes are dashed when he discovers her life expectancy is shorter than his.
- the graduation elemente sounds fitting! It would add higher stakes. I will think about it for sure!
The story will take place in Russia and I want a part of the second act to take place in the Transsiberian railway as a “last trip”. Cheers!
Ok, but I would think the “help of” wording will need to change. It is weird she would “help” him with love 😉
Find the situation where they connect and use that.
Example:
After sharing detention with a stage actress, a terminally ill student…
Knowing more of your story, I thought of this as well:
…they embark on a last trip romance when he discovers her life expectancy is shorter than his.
Take care.
That’s a great idea!
“After a stage actress prevents him from committing suicide, a terminally ill student finds inspiration with her, but as they embark on a last trip romance he discovers her life expectancy is shorter than his.”
enigmatic
Is the only thing that I find bracing. Why is someone that is difficult to understand going to give him courage.
Maybe she does. I don’t know. Perhaps aim for the heartbreak instead.
A suicidal terminally ill student finds hope after falling for a girl who gives him new courage to face life, only to find out that her life expectancy is lower than his.
I know I am doubling down on his new happy outlook. I don’t think her personality is paying enough dividends to survive the edit.
Thanks for your feedback, Craig!
Yes, enigmatic seems not like the right description.
I first used the word “fun-loving” and I think that suits best with my character description of this girl.
Anyway, have a nice day!
I was thinking in your story.
This is just the thoughts I was having.
What about if he wasn’t dying. He was just depressed and suicidal. He wants to die. She is dying but wants to live.
He finds a reason to live, but then learns it is going to be taken from him and their is nothing he can do.
Interesting thought, Craig! Thank you for this!
