When a young man takes a decision to marry against a will of his controlling and psychotic mother, his girlfriend mysteriously disappears.

    Samurai Posted on September 1, 2016 in Drama.
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    7 Review(s)

      And then what happens?

      The logline sets up a situation for a plot.  But it doesn’t describe a plot because it lacks the element of an objective goal that causally arises out of the inciting incident.  What becomes the young man’s objective goal after the inciting incident, the disappearance of his girlfriend?

      Singularity Answered on September 1, 2016.

      dpg,
      In my logline attempt i was hoping to give a hint that mother has something to do with the girl´s disappearance. Man wants to investigate his girlfriend´s disappearance and find her, his investigation leads him to his mother and  uncovers her “sick” motives. His mother, who loves him so much, devoted all her life to him. She was assisting his every step to protect from “mistakes and wrong decisions”, and when the man rebelled against her (to merry or even just to date this girl, who according to mother was not good for him)  mother keeps “protecting him” in her way. She want her son to stay with her (the mother) forever, so she could keep “protecting” and taking care of him, she would not let anyone to still him from her.

      on September 1, 2016.
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        This is a good set up. For me this is when the story starts. Or is the story about him trying to win over his mum.

        A small town young man sets out to prove his controlling, but highly respected, mum is involved in his fiancé’ disappearance.

        Summitry Answered on September 1, 2016.
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          The latest draft of the logline doesn’t comply with logline requirements. Please read, and carefully study, the other comments you’ve already got – it’s in your own best interest.

          A logline MUST FIRST describe a clear inciting incident and then MUST describe a clear, causally connected, goal.

          DPG specifically wrote that your logline sets up a situation and not to a plot as it lacks a goal, Richieve and Moses99 agreed and further explained. What use is it to keep posting revisions of the same logline without implementing the advise you’re given?

          This latest revision contains no specific goal for the MC: “A young man devastated by his fiancé’ sudden disappearance, initiates his own investigation which leads to his mother, uncovering her dark side of love for her son.”

          Further more the inciting incident is described late in the logline, which dilutes it’s impact. The resulting action isn’t even the MCs but his mother’s and the twist reveal is vague.
          Did you mean that “…dark side of love for her son…” is incest? If so write it.
          Did you mean the mother is responsible for the fiancé’s disappearance? If so write it.

          Be clear with the details of your plot, otherwise you’ll keep describing unmotivated situations made up of vague and loosely connected events.
          Here is an example:
          After his fiancé disappears a devastated mama’s boy must rescue the love of his life from his incestuously involved mother.

          Singularity Answered on September 2, 2016.
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            I agree with the above, this is just the set-up, the story would be what he does about it.

            Singularity Answered on September 1, 2016.
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              Spelling?

              Singularity Answered on September 1, 2016.

              Sorry for misspelling

              on September 1, 2016.
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                Did you mean “marry”? And which girlfriend — the arranged marriage or the one he decides too? Also, there’s no goal here. She goes missing… and he looks for her? Marries someone else? Looks for some good cheese to eat? You need to tell us what he wants. Hope this helps.

                Mentor Answered on September 1, 2016.

                Moses99,
                Sorry for misspelling, i mean “marry”, yes. He wants to be with the girl he loves, the one that was not arranged or approved by his mum, he rebelled against mum, now he want to find what happened to his girlfriend and find her,  he suspects his mother being involved in girl´s disappearance.

                on September 1, 2016.
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                  Thank you for reviews and opinions. Could it be like this ?
                  A young man devastated by his fiancé’ sudden disappearance, initiates his own investigation which leads to his mother, uncovering her dark side of love for her son.

                  Samurai Answered on September 1, 2016.
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