When a young man takes a decision to marry against a will of his controlling and psychotic mother, his girlfriend mysteriously disappears.
And then what happens?
The logline sets up a situation for a plot. But it doesn’t describe a plot because it lacks the element of an objective goal that causally arises out of the inciting incident. What becomes the young man’s objective goal after the inciting incident, the disappearance of his girlfriend?
The latest draft of the logline doesn’t comply with logline requirements. Please read, and carefully study, the other comments you’ve already got – it’s in your own best interest.
A logline MUST FIRST describe a clear inciting incident and then MUST describe a clear, causally connected, goal.
DPG specifically wrote that your logline sets up a situation and not to a plot as it lacks a goal, Richieve and Moses99 agreed and further explained. What use is it to keep posting revisions of the same logline without implementing the advise you’re given?
This latest revision contains no specific goal for the MC: “A young man devastated by his fiancé’ sudden disappearance, initiates his own investigation which leads to his mother, uncovering her dark side of love for her son.”
Further more the inciting incident is described late in the logline, which dilutes it’s impact. The resulting action isn’t even the MCs but his mother’s and the twist reveal is vague.
Did you mean that “…dark side of love for her son…” is incest? If so write it.
Did you mean the mother is responsible for the fiancé’s disappearance? If so write it.
Be clear with the details of your plot, otherwise you’ll keep describing unmotivated situations made up of vague and loosely connected events.
Here is an example:
After his fiancé disappears a devastated mama’s boy must rescue the love of his life from his incestuously involved mother.
Did you mean “marry”? And which girlfriend — the arranged marriage or the one he decides too? Also, there’s no goal here. She goes missing… and he looks for her? Marries someone else? Looks for some good cheese to eat? You need to tell us what he wants. Hope this helps.