When an 11 year old accidentally clones himself, he is swept up in an audacious plot to kidnap world leaders and must use all his ingenuity to save his father, his friends, his unexpected twin and the world.
You have a little too much going on.
Also, I’m not sure how this all connects; because of this, the logline seems jumbled.
I believe the first step to making this logline a bit more clear would be to change the inciting incident and work from there.
“When an 11 year old boy discovers a plot to kidnap world leaders and replace them with clones…” (Then tell us what he must do)
Hope that helps, good luck with this!
The aspect of the logline that hooks my attention is not the kidnapping conspiracy but the cloning. Cloning raises all kinds of ethical and existential fodder for a plot.
But what is the cause-and-effect relationship between cloning humans and the kidnapping conspiracy? I’m guessing the conspiracy is to kidnap and clone world leaders and then use the clones as replacement puppets to achieve world domination.
If the cloning is central to the conspiracy for world domination — if the cloning is the means to the villain’s objective goal — then I suggest the logline needs to clarify that causal relationship. If it isn’t, then I have no idea what the story is really about.
I have to say that I agree with Lemmy, that his concept isn’t flawed simply because his logline lacks focus. Stories that are long should have more than one plot and should be complex. However, the logline should focus on the inciting incident(cloning) and then what the character(s) do in response to that.
In your comment you say he has to teach the clone to be human, but why? Why does the MC care if the clone is hijacked?
Perhaps your inciting incident shouldn’t even be the cloning itself. Maybe something like when his clone starts acting strangely or is kidnapped or the clone is found after he went missing. That way you can link that incident to the rest of the plot more easily, hinting at the antagonist’s objective.
Having written a first draft doesn’t eliminate the possibility of a second one – all scripts are re written.
A logline should help you focus your next draft, and if it is hard to clearly outline a plot in a logline it will be harder to do so in a whole script.
Break it down to the cause and effect of an inciting incident and goal:
What happened to the boy that motivated him to need to achieve his goal?
What is his specific goal?
If the answers to the above questions are made clear in the next logline, it will help you with re writing the script.