When corporate employees escaping a building blaze are machine-gunned down at the fire exit, a PR girl becomes trapped in a stairwell, and must outwit a deranged gunman.

    Samurai Posted on August 7, 2016 in Horror.
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    4 Review(s)

      “But she’s trapped in the fire stairwell between the fire, and the gunman who’s camped out at the fire exit. That’s the premise I’m trying to convey.”

      I think I misread the logline a little. But anyway:

      First of all, did the gunman set the fire?

      Second, you lacked a goal your version. You said she has to outwit him, but why? Outwit him to do what? It’s implied that it’s to survive, but you left it vague.

      Summitry Answered on August 7, 2016.

      The gunman did not set the fire, but he’s in linked to the person who did, which is the B plot to the film, so for the logline purposes it’s not important who lit the fire, there’s just a building fire.

      Yep, goal is a bit vague right now. My main focus here is conveying the premise. Thanks.

      on August 8, 2016.
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        “When corporate employees escaping a building blaze are machine-gunned down at the fire exit, a PR girl becomes trapped in a stairwell, and must outwit a deranged gunman.”

        Example: When a deranged gunman breaks into a corporate building and starts gunning down employees, a PR girl must find a way to outwit the gunman so she can save her daughter. (~32 words)

        In your version, the motivation isn’t compelling enough. If the gunman hasn’t spotted her, the thing to do would be to run and let the police handle it. But if her daughter is stuck inside, well, most mothers would do anything to save her child.

        Summitry Answered on August 7, 2016.

        But she’s trapped in the fire stairwell between the fire, and the gunman who’s camped out at the fire exit. That’s the premise I’m trying to convey.

        This is also SLASHER, so I’m going to delay cops as long as possible, no one also has phones – have an act 1 plot for that.

        on August 7, 2016.
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          The wording of the logline is working against it. Replace corporate employees with the MC description, also I suggest you describe her with anything else other than girl. Is she a teenager or an adult?
          I presume an adult, therefore best to describe her accordingly – PR expert or PR manager.

          Here is my try:
          After a gunman sets her work place on fire, a PR manager trapped in the stairwell must  outwit the psychopath to stay alive.

          As Skpough1 said, what does outwit mean? How will she, and the audience to that matter, know beyond a doubt that she has succeeded and found safety? What specifically is her goal?

          Lastly, is this a short or feature length film? I get that you’re going for a high paced slasher, but I don’t think there is enough in this concept for a full length feature.  I could be wrong only the plot seems rather thin from the logline, I suggest increasing her obstacle.
          What if the gunman had a few psychotic mates working with him? This way she has to fight a bunch of bad guys, John McClane style, instead of just one.

          Singularity Answered on August 7, 2016.

          Yeah I get what you mean, but since it’s a slasher I wanted to establish that bodies are hitting the floor, that an entire office of white collar types are being mowed down WW1 style at the fire escape. I’ll put another edit up soon.

          I’m not totally fussed about character description at this stage. I don’t really care what they’re occupation is, it could be the janitor, an intern or a HR leader for all I care, it’s still going to be the same premise of a character + others trapped in a fire stairwell from the fire, and the gunman camped out at the exit.

          Totally agree with the GOAL though, need to figure that out and establish a stronger act 2, otherwise I agree this could be a short.

          on August 8, 2016.
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            I like this idea but there a few problems with your logline itself.

            Firstly, try and link everything as in: Why is the gunman targeting this building? Is it a bank that foreclosed on him?

            Secondly, your protagonist (not your situation) should be introduced first, and why should we sympathize with her? What’s her flaw?

            Mentor Answered on August 7, 2016.

            Glad you like it, but I disagree with some of this: the WHY of the gunman is back story and non essential for a logline. I think if a logline needs backstory to make sense it’s poor.

            Also, for premise/genre loglines I don’t think a character flaw is essential. It’s about conveying a premise, duct taping on the word ‘anti-social’ or arrogant taints the wording, and distracts from the premise. Character flaws are required for  lower concepts I believe, e.g crime and drama/family. The training page of this site says flaws aren’t mandatory anyway.

            on August 8, 2016.

            Having to include backstory isn’t necessarily indicative of it being poor. In most fantasies you would have to put some kind of backstory in the logline. But agreed, the why of the gunman is unimportant for this.

            on August 8, 2016.

            I think the drawcard of fantasy is the backstory, it’s essentially a genre that allows readers to wallow in the mystery of the past. I might add that fantasy is usually always made from existing IP: a book series in most cases, putting it in a league of its own.

            on August 10, 2016.
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