Hello Logline it people!
It’s me again. I’ve been working so hard on the same logline:
When a naive and shy young man loses his humanity to an evil futuristic corporation, he tries to destroy it to free himself and others with the questionable help of two sides, good and evil, from which he finds no difference.
I followed these points to make the newer one:
- I had in mind… What if the fantasy characters you created went to the real world?
- Now I give a little more role to the protagonist’s companion.
- I have changed the origins of the characters a bit, but the fact that they do bad things thinking they are good is the same.
- It was hard to find a main antagonist. I had like 5 in my mind! But i will start with this mafia boss because it’s not very complex.
I really hope this is better!
You can tell me where I could improve. I will try to be active often on this website.
Thank you!
PS: I also made this shorter version, but I don’t know if it’s right:
When fantasy characters invade the big city’s system, a frustrated dreamer, and his imaginary robot girlfriend, who result being someone who was kidnapped years ago by the head of organized crime, must team up to unravel the mysteries of the other characters past lifes by using brute force and a two-faced mask to cover their insecurities.
We have all heard the expression “Less is more” well the reverse is also true “More is Less”. The more you pile on the less visible the story becomes. What I am seeing is a huge amount of plot. But not a single really character. When it is all said and done. Movies are about people. Even Pixar has to make cars into people for it to be a story.
Frustrated Dreamer isn’t really a character. That doesn’t tell me anything about who they are. Even in the early version what exactly does “loses his humanity” when in the context of the story. I wish I could writer a version of your story as a way of helping. But I cant see what the story would be yet. I am seeing a collection of action sequences.
Hi, I think you have a good start, but I think you need to keep it short. The first one is good in length but when your doing it your missing the death steaks. So for both make it clear who is the protagonist, antagonist and the death steaks. Think of it as a trailer of the movie and you need to hook them and keep them interested to go see it. You know why is trying to free himself , are they making him kill or steal? You know like he tries to destroy it to free himself and others before they make them kill again, ( or anyone who disagrees with them , or before they make him kill his family _) something like that.
Hope this helps you
I am put off by the fact the robot is his imaginary girlfriend. So she exists in his imagination. This seems to take away from the stakes.
Perhaps he is a lonely guy who saves up his money for the newest model of girlfriend robot.
But the girlfriend robot begins having memories of being kidnapped, and neither he nor she understands why. This mystery leads to the rest of your story.
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BTW, the robot’s awakening memories of being kidnapped seem to be what sets this story in motion, and as a result, that incident should be put squarely at the beginning of your logline.