When friends miss their hotel reservation, they seek refuge from snowstorm in abandoned factory only to fight for survival against ancient witch hiding there.
I agree with Richiev about taking out that they miss their hotel reservation. I would also try to specify more about the group of friends. The target viewing audience for an idea like this would be teen to young adult (18-25). Maybe instead of saying several friends you could group it down to define age and possibly what they have in common. Maybe they are all students….then it would turn into…
“Students seek refuge from a snowstorm in an abandoned factory…” or “High school students…” or “College students….” Which sounds a lot more professional, in my opinion. Also, it sounds kind of amateurish to say the witch was ‘hiding there.’ Why would an ancient witch that lives in a factory hide from a group of friends who are intruding on her space? Maybe you could use something along the lines of… “High school students seek refuge from a snowstorm in an abandoned factory that turns out to be the residence of an ancient witch.” You could take bits a pieces from this sentence and make it your own if you want. Really it is the same idea you gave, I just moved things around a bit. Try re-arranging the sentence and playing with it a bit. I hope this helps. It sounds like my kind of story to be honest. I love witch movies. Have a Happy Valentine’s Day 🙂
Thanx guys. The point with to specify the age and in which part of a rectangle it fits is very good.
It would be students to aim in that 17-25. College students makes it more clear, however its one extra word and students from 13-16 are not usually on their own, traveling into snowy mountain. Yes, they are, but I think no one will be curious about it. If its going to be a horror for target audience M15+ with some gore and sex, you can’t put there 13-16 or you risk a law suit for kiddie porn, right?
Witch is hiding, that’s accurate – she is ancient because she was smart to pick up easy targets – group of students present a problem as they have families, friends … and witch have another issue closely connected – she spawned some uncontrollable demons in the house. If she fail to scary them out, they will expose her as something more then just an innocent hobo – which is her disguise.
I like complicated movies with some unexpected twists, so, towards a loglines, I have an issue – dunno how many twists put in there, how important they are.
So maybe –
When students seeking protection in abandoned factory refuses to leave, ancient witch with her group of hellspawns threats to eat them all unless they find a way out. (28)
When students found refuge in abandoned factory turning into a maze, they confront an ancient cannibal witch and must now find the way out (28)
I would go so far as to say don’t just define the group of people we’re dealing with (as said above, it’s important to know the demographic it’s likely to be targeted at) … but detail who the protagonist is as well! What is their flaw? Who is the character that will propel the action, and who will change, and who the audience will sympathize with?
“Fight for survival” works succinctly to give us both the goal and the stakes in just three words, so I’d definitely keep that.
I guess my only other observation is … what makes this unique among so many films of this nature? What’s the hook?