“When he discovers his multi-million dollar trust fund is locked away behind legal red tape, a broke Nigerian Prince uses the internet in order to convince highly pessimistic Americans to help him raise the money, so his funds will be released.”—- (Practice Logline)—- Title: Trust me (Maybe-Go fund me)

    Singularity Posted on March 19, 2019 in Comedy.
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    4 Review(s)

      The protagonist – a spoiled broke prince – is interesting; keeping the goal a direct result of the character adds to the narrative. My only concern- not knowing the exact figure he needs to raise, makes it hard to imagine the span of his action. For instance, how cinematic is it to see someone using internet to convince others?

      Summitry Answered on March 20, 2019.
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        Take two:
        ————
        “When he discovers his multi-million dollar trust fund is locked behind legal red tape, a spoiled Nigerian Prince has 30 days to convince highly pessimistic Americans to help him raise the legal fees, or lose the money forever.”

        Singularity Answered on March 19, 2019.

        The rewrite is nice. Thanks for sharing the process.

        on March 20, 2019.

        This version has a ticking clock & stakes mentioned clearly.

        on March 20, 2019.
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          Another way this might be clarified is that he starts honest and soon sees the scam (a friend or relative does it) as his best chance at the money. It could also be his last hope after other things fail. But again, what would be the story after that?

          If the spoiled part remains, then the stakes of money might work if this is clarified as a wrong pursuit (where he learns near the end of the script to use the money for others and not himself).

          Mentor Answered on March 20, 2019.
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            Cute idea at the core.

            Agree with variable. The next take can create more of a mental picture of what the protag does most of the story. The specific antag and conflict.

            Why does a prince have a bureaucratic issue? Being spoiled means his family has money so both his desire for the money and the problem getting it can be stronger.

            Why does he try Americans? Is there a specific person he feels most confident about and spends considerable time with?

            Stakes are needed that are more than money. If he’s legit, it can be money for, say, a school.

            It’s not clear, but this seems to  be an attempt at “The Nigerian Prince Who Cried Wolf.” If yes, would it be better if he starts as a scammer? He could be, for example, a poor prince or the black sheep in the family. Or a regular guy who discovers he’s of royal blood.  Still hard to see what would happen in most of Act II…though if he starts as a scammer, the natural path is that he connect with one of his victims.

            The potential is there, curious to see where this goes.

            Mentor Answered on March 20, 2019.
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