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Chris EricsLogliner
Posted: October 16, 20152015-10-16T06:56:39+10:00 2015-10-16T06:56:39+10:00In: Examples

When he finds out who killed his father, a laid-back youngster must return to save everyone from his evil Uncle and become the rightful king

When he finds out who killed his father, a laid-back youngster must return to save everyone from his evil Uncle and become the rightful king
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    4 Reviews

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    1. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2015-10-16T08:24:32+10:00Added an answer on October 16, 2015 at 8:24 am

      The plot of this story seams to resemble Hamlet or the Lion King and I suppose if adapted to humans, in live action and present day it could be interesting.

      What period is this story set in and where?

      I would also change the wording to sound more dramatic and motivating than it is now. I find the father’s murder more compelling of an event than the discovery of the murderer’s identity:
      E.g:
      After his uncle kills his father a rebellious prince who rejects the monarchy must become king in order to save his family from his uncle.

      Hope this helps.

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    2. StellaAurora Logliner
      2015-10-16T09:12:00+10:00Added an answer on October 16, 2015 at 9:12 am

      Good! I Guess this is The Lion King. Maybe you should?write that the main character ?is a ?prince or that he need to save his family and loved ones from his evil uncle.

      /Julia

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    3. Alex Cassun Logliner
      2015-10-18T03:09:25+10:00Added an answer on October 18, 2015 at 3:09 am

      In terms of content, if you’re deliberately writing a modern twist on Hamlet, more specific details of your setting are needed to help sell it – “laid back” doesn’t really give a clear description of the protagonist. Is he a college student? Does he work a dead-end job? Is he in a band? And King of what?

      In terms of structure, there is a passiveness to your logline which makes it a bit dry. Perhaps?something like this would spruce it up? “After the murder of his father, a young prince must?return home to confront his power-hungry uncle?and?take his rightful place as king.” It still isn’t great but it is slightly less wordy with more immediate action.

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    4. CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter
      2015-10-19T19:45:27+10:00Added an answer on October 19, 2015 at 7:45 pm

      Come on. ?The Lion King is Hamlet.

      Move it to a huge corporation like the Murdocks.

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