When her father falls ill from a poisonous rhinog bite, a desperate daughter rushes to find the only thing that can cure him — the elusive Lotumid herb.

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    Penpusher Posted on February 11, 2019 in Fantasy.
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      Couple of additional comments on your comment:

      The genre is fantasy, but the theme is not. The theme is what the film is really about and is frequently posed as a question to the protagonist.  It’s the film’s message to the audience. Check out this video which really helped me understand what a theme is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIuKNVny9cM

      When her father falls ill from a poisonous animal bite, a passionate and impulsive herbalist only has until sunrise to find a healing herb and concoct a cure before the poison takes his life.

      I think your revised version is ok but the reader needs to understand why this is going to be a journey that can sustain a 90min+ runtime. There needs to be some suggestion as to why it’s so difficult to obtain and how it’s going to push the protagonist. As an herbalist, she’s perfectly placed to know what to look for and where… this makes the journey MUCH shorter than, say, a teenager who has no knowledge of herbs at all and has to learn what they are by finding a well-renowned herbalist first. In Jaws, Chief Brody doesn’t know how to kill a shark and he doesn’t even like water. Much bigger journey than Quint’s or Hooper’s but the audience loves an underdog! I appreciate that, as the story’s already written, this might not be what you want to do but this would provide the greater sense of character growth that you’re looking for.

      I want more information about the antagonist and/or antagonistic forces at work. What is this character risking to save her father? Conflict is story so give us more conflict.

      “Passionate but impulsive” – the protagonist’s characteristic usually goes some way to show their emotional journey (arc) – selfish –> kind, cowardly –> brave, etc. Impulsive would lead to cautious or forward-thinking? Is this what you had in mind? If not, spend some time thinking about who they are at the beginning, who they are at the end, and what they’ve learnt about themselves.

      Just a query about this fantasy world (or more the creatures within it). The Rhinogs are a civilised race who live in a city and grow crops, right? But they’re biters?? This seems a little primitive to me. When you say poisonous animal bite I don’t imagine a civilised society. Could they use poisonous darts? Or a weapon of some kind? Thinking out loud now.

      I checked out that link, I like the idea of a micro-verse within our own world. Visually, it could be great! I think it’d be really fun for it to play with elements from our world too – like A Bug’s Life, or Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

      Hope this helps too.

      Overlord Answered on February 13, 2019.
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        Do you mean rhino or rhinog? I appreciate that this is a fantasy so I’m just checking that this isn’t a typo. My suggestion would be to remove these nouns – rhinog and lotumid – because they actually add nothing. Instead, just say “animal bite” and perhaps “healing herb”. The story is identical and you don’t have to worry about confusing anyone.

        This is a pretty solid logline and concept. A few things to think about though just from a story perspective:
        – Maybe ramp up the ticking clock. How long does he have?
        – What are the antagonistic forces working against her? Obviously time, but is there a rival group after the herb for different reasons?
        – What makes this herb so elusive? I kinda want a little more info to make me understand how hard this quest will be.

        Given the circumstances, “desperate daughter” is information that adds nothing to the logline. You’ve already mentioned that it’s her father who falls ill – so we know it’s his daughter. She’s trying to save his life – so we know she’s desperate. Give us more so we understand who this character really is. What’s her flaw (character arc)? What else could you tell us that’s important for the story?

        The only other thing is (and this is optional) whether it’s worth giving us a little more information about the world this is set in. Is it an alternate reality? Middle-Earth? Pandora? Are they human? I don’t think this is essential but it will help the reader visualise the whole thing a little better – particularly if it’s very specific in your mind.

        Good work though, looking forward to seeing where this goes.

        Hope this all helps.

        Overlord Answered on February 11, 2019.

        Hello. I want to thank you for your in-depth feedback on my logline. The comments were constructive and made sense. Let me provide some more context. The story is completely written, but I made the mistake of not creating a logline (and answering “what is it”) prior to moving forward. After reading some screenwriting books recently (but after I completed the story), I also wanted to ensure that I updated the story to show proper character growth (herbalist is Uma Glitter –> an ogot) and adjust the structure slightly. So I went to the beginning and started with the logline.

        As far as this current logline goes, the theme is fantasy, and the problem I have is that there are new creatures (ogots/rhinogs) and things (Lotumid herb) introduced in this story that no one has heard of. I’m kinf of stuck on what to use in the logline without making it too wordy. I left out world elements, species, and names to keep it simple, but now I see how that could also be an issue when people read it. Based on your feedback below, I modified here.

        UPDATED:
        When her father falls ill from a poisonous animal bite, a passionate and impulsive herbalist only has until sunrise to find a healing herb and concoct a cure before the poison takes his life.

        Further down, I replied to each of your comments in bold to provide additional context surrounding this story and world.

        Do you mean rhino or rhinog? Rhinogs are dangerous creatures that don’t get along with ogots. I appreciate that this is a fantasy so I’m just checking that this isn’t a typo. My suggestion would be to remove these nouns – rhinog and lotumid – because they actually add nothing. Instead, just say “animal bite” and perhaps “healing herb”. The story is identical and you don’t have to worry about confusing anyone.

        This is a pretty solid logline and concept. A few things to think about though just from a story perspective:
        – Maybe ramp up the ticking clock. How long does he have? Even though these characters exist in the human world (just on a smaller scale), I’m trying to be consistent on the timekeeping aspect. I use “days” and “nights” but hours aren’t usually mentioned. Would something like “…before sunrise on the next morning.” work? Modified above.

        – What are the antagonistic forces working against her? Obviously time, but is there a rival group after the herb for different reasons? Rhinogs horde and eat the Lotumid herb. When the herb is digested by rhinogs, it turns into poison that is administered to other creatures with a bite. The herb is also the only cure for the bite. I would like to work this in without making it too wordy, if it hits the IRONY element of the logline.
        – What makes this herb so elusive? I kinda want a little more info to make me understand how hard this quest will be. It’s rare because the rhinogs horde the herb and grow the crops in the depths of Rhinog City.

        Given the circumstances, “desperate daughter” is information that adds nothing to the logline. You’ve already mentioned that it’s her father who falls ill – so we know it’s his daughter. She’s trying to save his life – so we know she’s desperate. Give us more so we understand who this character really is. What’s her flaw (character arc)? What else could you tell us that’s important for the story? She is a passionate, but impulsive herbalist

        The only other thing is (and this is optional) whether it’s worth giving us a little more information about the world this is set in. Is it an alternate reality? Middle-Earth? Pandora? Are they human? I don’t think this is essential but it will help the reader visualise the whole thing a little better – particularly if it’s very specific in your mind. The story takes place within the Wild World of Ogots (which is part of our current reality).  The elements are fictional, and there is some context established with an ogots children’s book that is currently available to the public (but public exposure to the world is limited).  If interested, there’s more info at http://ogots.com

        Thanks again for the comments. I am grateful for them.

        on February 12, 2019.
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