When her mother goes into rehab, the 16 year old girl must go with her father, a country singer, who is temporarily released from jail to do a tour.
>>>who is temporarily released from jail to do a tour.
Not credible for reasons discussed in the other version.
Also, this logline is a setup for a plot. But it doesn’t follow through with a plot. Who do you want to be the protagonist? Who is the story really about? And if the protagonist is the girl, what dramatic goal is created by her having to be a passenger on his tour bus?
This is a comedy? Sounds like a drama.
Why does it say “the” girl like there’s only one in existence?
Too many commas. Never more than two, zero is often best.
Always start a logline with the protagonist. Writing “When her mother” such and such makes the girl seem like a secondary character.
Why is he temporarily released? Couldn’t he just be recently released?
Aside from the fact her mother’s in rehab and her father’s in jail, what’s the conflict? Give us an idea where the story will go.
Maybe something more like this: a teenage girl goes on tour with her country singer father she barely knows after he’s released from prison and her mother goes into rehab.
Still not telling us much about the story or conflict but at least there’s an indication of what might happen…he’s been in jail most her life, things haven’t been good with mom, drama and difficulties ensue.
I definitely prefer this longline over “When a country singer is temporarily released from jail…” You can see the storyline and conflict in their relationship set up for Act 2 really clearly with this one. There’s a lot more that unfolds in the imagination with this set up. My question is why is he temporarily released from jail for a music tour? It may make more sense to have him recently released, but still doing whatever activity got him in jail in the first place. He’s nearly caught again, but his relationship with his daughter is the thing that saves him. That also gives it more of a plot without turning it into a thriller. There’s something about him already being on his way back to prison that makes us feel like the ending is pre-determined, and it doesn’t feel as intriguing to see what happens next. I also think you need to establish the broken relationship in the longline so we see the emotional character arc. Just needs a bit of tweaking to hone in, and you’ve got a compelling story!
>>>When a teenage ballet dancer goes on tour with her country singer father she barely knows, she must save him from getting killed as he’s a witness in a murder case.
1] This is a comedy?
2] She barely knows him — but she knows he’s a witness in a murder case? And she knows the bad guys who are out to kill him?
3] For the purpose of plot and logline, how does being a ballet dancer enable her to save him? With a karate version of a grand jeté? A defining characteristic of a character should be relevant to the plot problem. That she is a ballet dancer seems extraneous.
4] The story has gone through several versions –what is the common core, the overarching theme? (I get the impression of a situation in search of a plot.)