When her only daughter intends to get married within a month, 50 yrs old widow Neela, who has deep fear of loneliness, must become aware of this fear by stop denying it and then try to face and overcome this fear by accepting the truth that we are all alone so that she can give consent to her daughter's marriage.
Things like, ‘must become aware’ are intangible and while good for character growth don’t add to the logline. You should have a tangible goal and let the audience find out for themselves the lead character has grown after reading the script but don’t put it in the logline.
“When her only daughter get’s engaged, a widow with abandonment issues secretly sabotages the wedding while pretending to support the bride.”
Now at the end of the movie she will grow realize we are all alone and give her consent, that’s the character arc but let the audience discover it while reading the script. You don’t have to place it in the logline.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
This logline is too wordy best to use economy in your character descriptions and actions than try to over load it with redundant words.
There is no clear goal established in this logline. The daughter comes across as more driven main character than the mother as she has got a problem she needs to solve and a clear visual goal she is pursuing.
Secondly the stakes are not high enough. I understand that it may seam as if loneliness could be a strong motivator but it isn’t certainly not in todays film market. Especially for an un-produced writer best to structure a plot around higher stakes i.e make it primal as Snyder puts it.
Secondly what is the time period? If modern day where is the story set?
In most modern western countries there would be no need for the mothers consent, the daughter as an adult, can marry whomever she wants.
Hope this helps.
thanks Nir Shelter. in this script the protagonist has a false goal. when her daughter decides to get married, The mother initially tries to convince her not to do so, as she’s acting out of her fear. then with the help of her friend she realises that she’s acting out of her fear. so now she has a new goal that is to agree to her daughter’s marriage but she can only do that if she faces her fear 1st. n ya this is set in today time. Richiev put it more accurately than i did.
False goals are hard to pull off particularly when the goal is so negative, so driven by negative emotions. Why do you think an audience will want to sit through 90+ minutes of negativity, denial and obstruction before she (finally) comes to her senses. What is so interesting, where’s the viewing pleasure in that?
@dpg i agree that it’s hard to pull off but i feel audience can sit through anything as long as they care for the characters ( identify with them or the situation) and if they story is engaging. n most of the emotional problems are negative aren’t they?
The emotionally driven component of this log line needs to be even clearer. I haven’t read previous comments so If I am repeating anything, my apologies. Even though the emotional path for your lead is straight and clear to you, present it as cleanly as you can while positioning the conflict in the middle.
So this means – Neela’s emotional path part one + conflict + Neela’s ultimate goal and said clearer with fewer words. Dpg is terrific when advising about being concise and brief.
There appears to be 2 big problems with this logline.
The first is with the concept, as you said in an earlier post this is set in modern day as such most western audiences will likely not suspend their disbelief. Now day and age most adult women can and do marry whom ever they want with or without parental consent. As previously mentioned unless you specify a cultural background that provides such limitations on wedlock the concept will not work for most readers.
Secondly, as DPG mentioned, there is a problem with the plot changing the external goal will likely not work. What you can do is a change of approach to achieve the goal only this doesnt need to be in the logline.
Lastly the audience will care for the MC and want to see them do what they do if the stakes are high enough. Stakes increase interest in a story and in this instance the stakes just don’t do that. This is only my opinion but it is an indication of what other people may think as well.
sorry my bad. forgot to mention that i’m from india. n here we still have the concept of joint family. so many children stay with their parents even after their marriage. also english is not my 1st language so i’m not able to articulate it properly. but here the issue is not about the mother’s consent. mother will give her consent anyways but she’s just not ready to face this inevitable situation. as they both love each other so much. n even daughter understands this. n that is why even she wants to handle this situation delicately. as she cares for her mom so much n also worried for her. so in this context, the stakes are high. but maybe people in U.S won’t be able to relate to this situation at all.
This concept appears to hinge on cultural specific conventions therefore the setting is important to the concept and needs to be mentioned in the logline.
The stakes won’t necessarily be miss-understood in other cultures but the conventions that create them need clarification.
DPG asked a good question, the answer could change the logline.
Either the daughter is defying the ways of old or she is struggling to follow her heart and comply with them at the same time.