When his dad threatens to cut him off financially, a bad boy rich kid must graduate his senior year at a strict prep school, only to fall for the principal’s daughter.
thedarkhorseSamurai
When his dad threatens to cut him off financially, a bad boy rich kid must graduate his senior year at a strict prep school, only to fall for the principal’s daughter.
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You’ve done several iterations of the core premise. What is the story hook embedded in all of them?
More specifically, what hooks your interest? Why do you want to write a script based upon this premise? Why *must* you write a script based upon this premise?
The character arc from shame to pride.
The character arc from shame to pride.
Oh. But the logline only says his sugar daddy “threatens” to cut him off.
>>>who gives him one last chance.
So he’s the beneficiary of a fairy god father.
It’s SOP that the antagonist get the breaks; the protagonist has to earn success the old fashioned away… hard work, sacrifice, suffering…. every step of the way.
It’s the antagonist/shape shifter/mentor/principal who gives him that chance.
I think it’s those two arcs that interest me.
The love story too.
Again, he gets a lucky break, he’s dependent on someone else to succeed.
The two greatest fortunes made by kids who went to Harvard where made by kids who dropped out — Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg. They didn’t need no stinkin’ degree to salvage or buttress their self-esteem.
Perhaps the solution is to zero in on the relationship between student and teacher?
I dunno. Any help anyone?
DPG – I don’t quite agree with your solutions. But there’s clearly a problem I need to fix. Appreciate your help.
Then have his father cut him off so that he’s forced to drop out, hit rock bottom, has to *earn* his own way in the world by his own wits instead of with daddy’s $$$.
What pride is there depending on daddy’s money?
The ordeal – his father cuts him off.
He’s developed an interesting father-son relationship with the principal who gives him one last chance.
Shame – Black sheep. Surfing through life. Embarrassment of the family.
To
Pride – he doesn’t want to party anymore. He wants a future. He wants to become his best self.
I considered him being the one who cuts off dad in the end. (His dads neglect is the reason he turned into preppy John Bender.)
If he’s the one who turns down dads money in the money in the end – you could say it’s a journey to self respect too.
What do you think?
I don’t know what to push down on…
Whether it’s stakes (perhaps dad threatens to cut him out permanently? I dunno.)
Or obstacle? (I still think it’s innate.)
The hook/twist – not every logline absolutely needs one. Certainly it helps though.
I have a feeling I’ll probably write this and post the second marketing logline later on. As you said – I’m strangely drawn to this concept.
I’m not sure if it has a solid hook yet.
Bad boy rich kid in strict school – fish out of water.
Bad boy/wholesome girl – odd couple.
One year to turn his life around – ticking clock.
Elite prep school – an interesting arena/world (I think anyways.)
I’m currently outlining this (in the middle of a scene list) – it’s interesting to see the concept grow. The college concept was far too “interesting” (too much crap I don’t really need) – whereby I want to keep things logical and simple.
Intention: to graduate.
Obstacle: (innate I hope) bad boy in strict school. (The arc is clear too. You know what happens.)
Stakes: at first money then becomes fathers respect and then finally self worth.
Concept: familiar. Universal. Primal. Whether it’s fitting in, falling in love.
I dunno – perhaps it’s the inside story of wanting to be a better person. To become your best self.
So yeah – what interests me? The arc.
I really don’t understand your viewpoint.
This guy isn’t Bill Gates or Zuckerberg.
He just comes across someone (the least likely person) who helps him turn his life around, who believes in him at the lowest, lowest moment.
And I’m only too happy to admit I need mentors/teachers ha. That I’ll always be a student. Some of us aren’t Bill Gates ha.
Perhaps characters arc – is about learning to accept help. We’ll see. I don’t want to shoe horn anything or be too calculating. But I do want to see if it resonates with others, if there’s problems to fix…
Two points:
1] I have no problem with a mentor character who offers valuable help. Or a character (a guy, no less) asking for help. The mentor is a standard issue character in drama.
It’s the nature of the valuable help I am concerned about. Like, I have no problem with a story can where a mentor gives the protagonist some helpful hints on how to get the fish he needs (for the purpose of the plot). But I do have problems with a plot where the mentor gives the protagonist the fish he needs, or even gives him a fishing pole. Okay?
2] The subjective character arc is an important ingredient in a successful script. But it is extraneous to the purpose a logline. Loglines are about objective goals, not subjective needs.
You may be interested in the subjective character arc. Fine. But in a logline, movie makers are interested in the visual, in a thrilling action line to achieve a clearly defined, compelling objective, (concrete, material ) goal.
And right now I don’t see a thrilling action line toward a compelling objective goal.
My 2.5 cents worth.
2.5 cents more.
Rather than have the protagonist being the over-privileged offspring of an over-privileged, entitled sugar daddy, why not make him the 1st generation college kid of struggling, barely middle class parents. Parents who are working 2 jobs and have 2nd mortgaged the house to the hilt in order for him to go to a prestigious university, get a foothold on the 1st step of the ladder of the American Dream — an opportunity they never had a chance to have, never will.
That exponentially amps up the stakes. Because if he drops out, then he’s not only ruined his own dreams, knee capped his own self-esteem, he’s dashed his parents dreams for him, ruined their lives. All their hopes, their dreams. all the hard earned money they have invested him are lost. That gives him a compelling reason to feel ashamed of himself (aka: dark hour of the soul), to have a compelling need to redeem himself, prove his worth to himself, to his family.
fwiw
I appreciate your solution but I think yours is too much of a different story.
Remember – he’s a preppy. He’s one of them but not. He’s the rebel surrounded by workaholic robots (some of which are incredibly hard working/doing what they can to get ahead/perhaps from a poor family.)
I want this guy to be a rich carefree brat who is literally beaten down by everything this school throws at him. Remember his super objective: he must graduate/he can’t get expelled (again).
He’s facing off against bullies who don’t like him, teachers who judge him without knowing him, he’s trying to fit in, etc. All familiar yet universal. (I know not it’s thrilling – but I want to go for familiar/universal here. Not slice of life but close.)
Anyways – in striving to fulfil his super objective. He learns to work hard – there’s no buying his way in or surfing through life anymore. The geeks he comes across learn to have (a bit) more fun. Kind of a Randall McMurphy. (Don’t take that literally.)
That’s why I want the father to actually cut him off at the ordeal (I use Vogler. He’s malleable.). However – it has nothing to do with him. A romantic rival provokes him into a fight – which is his strike 3. He and his geek friend are expelled. He later visits principals house to beg for geek friend to not get expelled – taking on full responsibility and showing he’s changed into someone who actually does care for others. Principal let’s them both in on the condition – they finish what they started (which includes a boat race the school hasn’t won in years and that dad/older brother broke the record with.) winning that would be a personal victory. (I know – no real stakes here but I’m hoping we’ll be rooting for him to prove he’s more than “the embarrassment of the family”.) I also feel he’s doing it to make principal/shape shifter/father figure proud.
Anyways – I feel the problem you’re suggesting is more stakes? Or at least that’s what I’m thinking. That action goal is clear and strong.
We’ll see.
Perhaps the problem is the leading line “When his dad threatens to cut him off financially, a bad boy rich kid” – he comes across as too much of an ass. I dunno. Regardless it is still the I.I.
Yes, taking the current logline at face value, I don’t get a sense of high stakes .
Or serious jeopardy: It’s not clear that the love interest is a major threat. Yes, she’s a complication, but how is she a potentially fatal one?
And if he threatens to embarrass his family, well, so what? They got money. They’ll survive, even prosper.
What does his family stand to lose *materially* if he flunks out? What is their skin in the game (besides ego)?
And as I figure you know, it can be a point of pride to embarrass one’s parents, to subvert their plans and expectations.
Indeed, isn’t breaking free from parental authority, defying their expectations a *central theme* of the coming of age genre?
Ultimately, doesn’t he have to answer to his own expectations for himself, not theirs?
DPG – I’ve been studying this one and only just realized you’ve contradicted yourself.
** Loglines are about objective goals, not subjective needs. **
Months back – you said that the action goal/outside story/objective goal is not a hard and fast rule in a logline. That sometimes it can be a subjective need (as long as the hook is strong.)
They want to get to LA.(action goal.)
They want the money. (action goal.)
They want a kidney. (action goal.)
They want the girl. (Subjective goal. I personally see nothing wrong with this – as long as the hook is strong and unique.)
They want to graduate (an action goal. not thrilling but it’s there.)
Also – some of your tone in this suggests you really don’t like rich people. All of which makes me think of Sorkin’s words – “be careful who you listen to. make sure they’re not trying to write your script the way they’d write it.”
DPG – thank you for your notes (and for challenging me and helping me to develop the idea.)
I think quite possibly it’s the I.I. is wrong and yes I agree about the high stakes.
(The stakes I’m suggesting might work for the script but not for the logline. Interestingly I kept thinking about Sorkin’s Jobs. Why should we care about this guy who is at times – quite unlikable? Why should we care about the stakes if we know what will happen. Sorkin says “you need to understand why the stakes are so important to him.” – paraphrasing.)
Regardless – I do want to want the stakes as high as possible.
Or serious jeopardy: It’s not clear that the love interest is a major threat. Yes, she’s a complication, but how is she a potentially fatal one? *** agreed.
And if he threatens to embarrass his family, well, so what? They got money. They’ll survive, even prosper. ***
agreed. My best idea here is that the dad’s a politician and his son is ruining his campaign. (But I dunno.)
What does his family stand to lose *materially* if he flunks out? What is their skin in the game (besides ego)? *** my other idea here is that “When his dad threatens to cut him off permanently”.
Indeed, isn’t breaking free from parental authority, defying their expectations a *central theme* of the coming of age genre? *** I kind of felt he could do this as the end. The idea is that his dad accepts him back because he won the race. But the kid doesn’t want his money/superficial love. He’d rather make it on his own.
I’m fiddling with these two for now…
1. When he attends an elite prep school, a bad boy rich kid must or else
2. When he falls for the principal’s daughter, a bad boy rich kid must or else.
Right now – I’m outlining and quite literally on the scene list. First draft starts Monday. I dunno. It might be a bit foolish to push on if the concept is a little muddled. Half tempted to write on – see what I discover.
Have a good day.