When his estranged sister is found dead, a drug addicted private investigator teams up with an android police detective to solve the mystery why she ordered an AI to kill her.
CMathiasLogliner
When his estranged sister is found dead, a drug addicted private investigator teams up with an android police detective to solve the mystery why she ordered an AI to kill her.
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Hi?I’m working on a logline for my story and am realizing how very difficult it is. I must have written 20 attempts already and have learned that the first few drafts pretty much follow a formula but then you boil that down further and what you end with is the story’s theme and goal. I’ve seen two versions of your logline and each puts the emphasis on a different goal/mystery – one is about threatening society, and the other is about a sister hiring an AI to kill her. I’m thinking you may need to nail down your story’s theme and goal first.
Questions you may need to answer…
1. Does the fact that the murder is the PI’s sister or that the sister is estranged present any conflict in the story goal? If not, it’s superfluous.
2. Same with the drug addiction, does it present any conflict in the story goal? If not, remove from logline – unless maybe the mention of the drug addict shows how opposite the two are – which is important if that is what makes the story interesting.
3. Also, what is the story theme? Save the world? Familial obligation? Androids have feelings too?
I thought your first attempt emphasized the important parts but needed to be tightened so I tightened it below. I thought your?second attempt emphasized some unimportant parts so I didn’t edit that one.
A futuristic story [In a world where most jobs have been taken over by AI?s,] about an odd couple detective duo, an android detective and a defunct PI [a drug addicted private investigator], whom while searching for clues in the PI?s sister?s murder [is hired to help an android detective solve a murder case] discover that their world is about to change [that threatens the very foundations of society].
A futuristic story about an odd couple detective duo, a defunct PI and an android detective, whom while searching for clues in the PI?s sister?s murder discover that their world is about to change.
At 31 words, this is a much better logline. The private investigator is in the driver’s seat of the plot, as he?should be, and the stakes are personal, not just professional.
I’m presuming that the AI murder takes place in a world where Isaac Asimov’s laws of robotics are coded into?AI’s programming, the first law being “a robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to?harm.” Which certainly would deepen the mystery. ?Assuming that to be the case, I reworked to something like:
In a futuristic world, a private investigator drug must partner up with an android detective to solve?the mystery of why and how his sister induced an AI to override its programming and murder her. (36 words)
“In a futuristic world”: To obviate the possibility of some logline readers tripping up over the concept before?they’ve read all the way through, I think it is prudent to make explicit what is implicit.
“Drug-addicted”: ?Optional. The dramatic?reason for a character flaw is to ?raise dramatic tension in meaningful relation to the ?dramatic problem, in this case the murder, and to the protagonist’s objective goal which is to solve the mystery.
By meaningful relation I mean that ?the flaw is, in some respect, 1] a symptom of the overall dramatic problem AND 2] theme AND ?3] the flaw will frustrate and defeat the protagonist’s purpose ?unless/until he overcomes it. ?Point 3] means that it is implicated in the end of 2nd Act “Darkest Hour” crisis: either he finally ?kicks his habit or else he is doomed to fail.
“Estranged”: Keep it in the story, of course, but is it really essential for the logline? Really?
While the standard formula is to lead with the inciting incident– and that usually is the best way– there are good?reasons for occasionally tacking it to the end. One reason is economy of words. “When his estranged sister is?found dead, ” and “why she ordered an AI to kill her.” overlap. Another reason is to improve word?flow, avoid an awkward reading experience.
Finally, the twist in this logline is not that the man must partner up with an android, but that his sister?persuaded an AI to violate it’s programming and kill her. And twists work better at the end than the beginning of a sentence; the?logline sort of ends with a ?punch line.
Anyway, I think you have a strong concept. Best wishes with your writing.
fwiw.
A?very interesting idea, and you’ve improved a lot from the previous logline.
I agree with dpg, you make the case personal by making it his sister, ?but then when you say estranged, it honestly just kind of brings too many questions into the logline. If they’re no longer close, why would he take the case? Also, I think you should just cut out the addiction part because right now it doesn’t seem to add much, unless you turned it into a situation where his addiction usually gets in the way of his job and he puts it aside to solve this case, or if his addiction will interfere with this job, which would serve to add to the MC’s character.
Some suggestions to cut some more words to get it under 30:
-“Teams up with” to “works with”
-Remove “estranged” as I said above.
-“found dead” to “murdered”
-For the logline it will probably just be best to cut “drug addicted” ?all together.
-Possibly cut “police” and just say “android detective”
-“to solve the mystery why” to “figure out why” or maybe “learn why”, a couple of different options there.
If you want to, I suppose you could add, “In a futuristic world” but I do think that the implication of the latter part may be sufficient. Or perhaps even say, “When his sister is murdered by an android” or something.
Like dpg said, strong concept.
Good re draft of the logline.
Glad the personal stake have been brought in, I think the drug addiction can work very well in this concept. It illustrates human weaknesses especially when put up against an android partner who would not have any of these short comings. AIs are suppose to be perfect in this world, BUT WAIT an AI killed a woman – cue dramatic music…
I think the irony of comparing problems in humans with problems in androids will elevate this concept , but as mentioned above best to tie the drug addiction into the plot.
How about his sister was an addict her self and her death is treated at first as a suicide but the MC knows better, this way his obstacle is even greater as the police don’t really care and the android detective must defy orders (a big no no for AIs) before he helps the MC out. This would further test the lines of AI and human error.
Thanks all for your comments; really, I didn’t expect such kind and insightful review! I’ll give you some bits and pieces of my thought process here:
I have written several screenplays already. A common thread in reader comments was “the concept is too weak”. So, I’ll turn it around this time. Rather than building the story first and then building the logline, I’ll borrow a page from “Save the Cat!” and start with a rough? idea, then logline it and see if it excites people. And THEN flesh it out into a real story.
Which should explain why my first and second logline differ so much (as t9ejane rightly pointed out). So, yes, the goal and theme are not yet completely formulated as I only have a vague idea right now. They are free to change while I nail down the perfect logline that excites people. I guess once the logline’s done I’ll know what the goal and theme will be. First logline didn’t excite people, so I need to change it fundamentally.
As for the “drug-addicted” part, yes, that one I think is essential – androids don’t do drugs. It is one of the basic flaws of being human, so that should form a very essential part of a possible theme “which is better: machine or human?” Nir Shelter captured my thinking here quite well. Hower, I’ll try and avoid cliche (e.g. suicide of an addict, police doesn’t want to investigate, etc…) and turn it around: The police AI is dumbfounded about the whole case and teams up with the PI because he seems to be the only one who might be able to figure it out – logic is not enough. Of course, I’ll have to figure out some obstacles to throw in the PI’s way, but that’s details for now.
I agree with dpg and Dkpough1 regarding “estranged” – that can go. It’ll probably be in the story but it is not essential for the logline.
And yes, I assume asimov’s laws hold as dpg pointed out. But “override the AI’s programming…” already suggests too much of an explanation, I’d rather keep it mysterious, plus again I want to avoid cliche’.
So, third iteration coming up shortly and again, a thousand thanks for your valuable input.