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MenandroPenpusher
Asked: June 30, 20202020-06-30T00:07:28+10:00 2020-06-30T00:07:28+10:00In: Drama

When his father and brother died in a tunnel collapse, a mischievous young boy must take over the work in mines to survive life.

When his father and brother died in a tunnel collapse, a mischievous young boy must take over the work in mines to survive life.
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    1. Karel Segers

      Karel Segers

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      Karel Segers Samurai
      2020-06-30T16:40:49+10:00Added an answer on June 30, 2020 at 4:40 pm

      The logline sounds odd, which probably means that English is not your native language. I’m in the same boat, but you need to do better than this.
      First of all: no past tense in a logline. So no “died”; instead: “When his father and brother die…”.
      – “the work in mines” doesn’t sound like proper English.
      – “to survive life”? Nobody survives life! 😉 You probably mean: to make a living, or to make ends meet.
      All that said, I’m not sure I want to watch a movie about someone working in a mine, whatever is being mined. What do you have that is worthy for the big screen??

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    2. Mike Pedley

      Mike Pedley

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      Mike Pedley Singularity
      2020-06-30T19:38:09+10:00Added an answer on June 30, 2020 at 7:38 pm

      I agree with the other comments.

      The word “young” in a logline really frustrates me. It’s so vague. You say “young boy” and I’m thinking 4 years old… is he really working in a mine? No, probably not. So how old is he? 10? The story changes drastically depending on the age of the protagonist so it’s always worth a little specificity.

      Ambiguity is where loglines go to die.

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    3. Stephanie

      Stephanie

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      Stephanie Penpusher
      2020-06-30T11:37:29+10:00Added an answer on June 30, 2020 at 11:37 am

      Why is the boy mischievous and what will or won’t happen to him if he doesn’t solve the problem. Why is he taking over the mine ? You haven’t explained any of this nor the stakes that raise his risk either way.

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