When his wife leaves him and his world falls apart, a depressed control-freak attempts to tie up all the loose ends in his life and with those he cares about as he plans his own suicide
You have an inciting incident, sure, but… it just seems like something very sad that happens that we’ll be asked to witness. Might be kind of interesting, but likely slow, emotional, and painful with no conflict. I’m sure there’s internal conflict, but I’m not sure that’s enough to keep the audience engaged.
I think the comedy part of the dramedy is not evident in the revised version of your logline. Also “…his world falls apart…” is a bit vague. Can you give us something more?
Don’t know exactly what you have in mind, but maybe this gives you food for thought:
When his wife leaves him for his best friend and his boss fires him, a depressed control freak decides on suicide, but first he must find a good home for his dog.
Frankly, I have mixed and messy emotions about the premise. (I’ve worked on a suicide hotline.)
That said, more power to you if you can play it for laughs. However, I think a reader needs a clear signal that it’s a dark comedy. I suggest “his world falls apart” needs to be fleshed out a bit. Maybe something like: “When a control freak loses his wife, job, and home and his pet potbelly pig in one week, he…”
Or maybe he loses everything but his pet potbelly pig (that could have been the coup de gras wedge issue between him and his ex) and his objective goal is to find a good for the pet it before he commits suicide. (And, of course, nobody want the pet.)
Whatever. Good luck.
Agreed with much of the above. I’ll add that planning on doing something isn’t doing it… In other words, the best characters don’t just plan on doing something, they take action. What does he do aside from tieing things up and planing his suicide?