When jealous masses stop buying lottery tickets after a naive numbers geek viral week-long jackpot winning spree, she must prove her prediction gift to world and a criminal lottery boss who wants her dead.
4th version, credits to Dkpough1 for all earlier input inclusive of the most recent focus on core story being ‘gaming the lotto’, and richiev for prompting to think over why the lotto profits would slump.
Inciting incident: jealous masses stop buying tickets altogether as ‘a big national lottery someone can predict should be nothing but a scam’.
Protagonist: a naive numbers geek naturally able to predict lotto numbers
Antagonist: a criminal lotto boss (and the jealous world) wanting all to go back to as it was before her
Please let me know if this is better, thank you.
“When jealous masses stop buying lottery tickets after a naive numbers geek viral week-long jackpot winning spree, she must prove her prediction gift to world and a criminal lottery boss who wants her dead.” (34 words)
Inciting incident: “When jealous masses stop buying lottery tickets after a naive numbers geek viral week-long jackpot winning spree” —> How does this force her to do anything? If people stop buying lotto tickets, then it doesn’t affect the protagonist at all. I’ve mentioned on previous versions, the inciting incident should be the moment she’s forced into the main conflict, and from that the climax of the story should be inevitable.
Protagonist: ” a naive numbers geek” —> Could be reworded.
Goal: “she must prove her prediction gift to world and a criminal lottery boss who wants her dead.” —> Why does she need to prove anything?
Antagonist: “world and a criminal lottery boss” —> How are they antagonists? What are they opposing? An antagonist is someone who opposes the protagonist, their goal is to prevent the protagonist’s goal. Why would they even try to stop the protagonist from proving her prediction power? How? The only conflict presented in the logline is that the crime boss wants the protagonist dead, but the logline does not give any information about why.
In order to help, examine your story answer these questions:
What is the main conflict of the story?
What is the climax of the story?
What event forces the protagonist into the conflict? This event should affect the protagonist, it is a tailor-made event which forces her, and only the protagonist into pursuing her goal.
For example, Walter White gets cancer. (https://logline.it/logline/breaking-bad-a-terminal-diagnosis-leads-a-cash-strapped-loving-father-to-the-hostile-world-of-illicit-drug-manufacture-and-its-deadly-associations/)
In “Finding Nemo”, Nemo is kidnapped; thus his father must find him. (https://logline.it/logline/finding-nemowhen-a-boy-gets-kidnaped-an-overprotective-single-father-embarks-on-a-dangerous-adventure-through-the-foreign-ocean-to-reunite-with-him-written-by-julia/)
In other words, I suggest looking through other people’s loglines, the feedback they receive, and trying to review their posts.
I think you have buried the story and there are a few ambiguous statements. Viral long weekend is ambiguous and perhaps unnecessary. Why does the crime boss want her dead? Why must she prove her prediction gift, if she is predicting what does that have to do with her number geek status.
A numbers geek must prove her jackpot winning spree was ….