When two incompetent crews try to rob her bank at the same time, an ambitious bank manager must play one against the other to buy time and save the money.

    Summitry Posted on November 14, 2019 in Comedy.

    Version 1// When rival crews try to rob the same bank at the same time, the old-fashioned crew-leader struggles to keep the peace, protect the hostages, not get arrested and still walk away with the cash.

    Thanks to a great idea from dpg, I’ve switched the protagonist to the bank manager and turned it into a comedy (it would have been a crime comedy anyway).

    on November 15, 2019.
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    7 Review(s)

      Interesting idea.  How about framing the logline (and plot) from the POV of an ambitious bank manager anxiouis to make her mark, move up the corporate ladder? She could be a protagonist caught in the middle, has to negotiate between two incompetent crews, play one against the other to buy time, save the money.

      A further complication could be that both crews want to take her hostage as an insurance policy while they make their escape.  Since comedy often entails reversal of roles she could end up advising the incompetent crews how to do their job, the best route to escape out of town, etc.

      fwiw

      Singularity Answered on November 15, 2019.

      This is a great idea!! Thanks!

      on November 15, 2019.
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        “When two crews rob the same bank, the beleaguered bank manager plays one crew against the other in order to save the customers.”

        Singularity Answered on November 15, 2019.
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          Hi Mike.

          I’ll give this a shot…

          When rival crews try to rob the same bank at the same time, a crew-leader struggles to remain morally decent and get out with the money and his life.

          “struggles to keep the peace, protect the hostages, not get arrested” –

          I like all this but there must be some way to encapsulate it all a lot quicker. Reading this as an exec, I think only one of those things will latch on.

          I also cut ” the old-fashioned”. He is defined by what he does. 

          Character is behaviour, right? What he does is who he is.

          And what he is –  is a man trying to do the right things but still have his cake and eat it.

          But yeah – sounds cool.

          Mentor Answered on November 14, 2019.

          I kinda liked listing all the things that he’s got to consider. To me, it sounds like a more high-stress situation when there’s more to have to consider. Those 4 extra words say a lot to me about who he is and how tense the situation becomes.

          Nothing wrong with your version at all, it does the same thing. The omission of “old-fashioned”, I think, makes the protagonist less real – it’s always good to add characteristics to flesh out the characters. Plus although it’s not stated (something I’m debating over) the other crew are younger and more hi-tech. Do you think this is worth adding?

          on November 14, 2019.
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            For me personally – “old-fashioned” conjures up Mr. Rogers for some reason ha. Or someone very wholesome.
            I do like the idea. It’s like a Western. How about make him “ageing” or “veteran”?

            When rival crews rob the same bank at the same time, a veteran bank robber struggles to remain in control of the situation as his younger peers begin to lose it – as well as get out with the money and his life.

            – that last part not only feels added but need to be carved down.

            -I tried out “simultaneously” instead of “at the same time”. I think the latter works better. 

            Mentor Answered on November 15, 2019.
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              Here’s another crack at it:

              When rival crews rob the same bank at the same time, a veteran bank robber must remain in control of the situation as his younger peers lose it – in order to get out with the money and his life.

               

              Mentor Answered on November 15, 2019.
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                Continuing dpg’s line of thought, perhaps the manager should be more concerned with the hostages than the the money.

                When two incompetent crews try to rob her bank at the same time, a quick-witted bank manager must play one against the other to buy time and protect the hostages.

                 

                Mentor Answered on November 15, 2019.
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                  Great suggestion from DPG.

                  The only thing I can add is that the bank manager seems unrelated to the plot. In other words, if you were to replace her with any other manager the story would stay the same. This means that the plot isn’t inherently an extension of her flaw and character. Perhaps it would be better to describe her as a genuinely flawed character and make the premise a result of this flaw.

                  What if she was the security guard or head of security at the bank, and it’s her lack of professionalism or laziness that allows the robbers to break-in.

                   

                  Singularity Answered on November 16, 2019.
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