When Santa Claus wants to quit work after Saint Nicholas kidnaps his inner child, Santa’s abandend- homeless nine year old daughter must team up with the soulless president of a big European toy company to save the spirit of Christmas.
Why would Santa have an abandoned homeless daughter? Where is Mr. Clause? Did Santa have an affair? Why wouldn’t Santa put his daughter up somewhere nice? Seems kinda mean.
Also, I am not seeing the connections as to why she ‘must’ team with a soulless president of a big European toy company to save Christmas.
Finally, since it was Santa who was attacked, it seems they should be saving Santa (Or rescuing his inner child) not saving Christmas.
“When Santa’s inner child is stolen a week before Christmas, his irascible daughter teams with the head of Soulless toy company and a militant elf to bring back the kidnapped inner kid.”
Ok, the European/America toy irony is not clear, so I cut it. Probably because Americans don’t now who Saint Nicholas is. But without Saint Nicholas there isn’t an antag anymore…?
Mr. Clause is where he always is, at the North Pole. But now it’s made clear by “two weeks before” he has to be at home now to organize the coming Christmas?
I saw most of these problems but did not know how to solve them. Yes, Santa had an affair. The baby grew up at the mother and when she died she became homeless. Could not put this in the logline because the logline is already too long and it’s not crucial info. I like the homeless girl Idea but probably have to cut it just because of the loglines length.
In your version she teams up with the CEO to bring the ‘soul’ back in the toy company?
You already know my answer on the last question:
By saving Santa’s inner child they save Christmas. Santa without his inner child would not believe in Christmas himself. But because there will be people who will not get it, your shortened version is better.
When Saint Nicholas steals Santa’s inner child a week before Christmas, his irascible daughter teams with the sacked head of Nicholas’ soulless toy company and a militant elf to bring back the kidnapped inner kid.”
Is it “teams or “teams up”
My impression is that St Nick & Santa Claus have become conflated in the cultural clutter of Xmas, so I’m afraid that most people will be confused by the logline, won’t comprehend the distinction. And what does an “inner child” look like anyway?
The way I understand it Santa Claus is an amalgam of Saint Nicholas and Father Christmas (and a few more regional versions) that all originated with the original Saint Nicholas who started it by throwing money through a window so some poor family could afford a steep dowry, or something. … In other words, they are the same character.
If you need an antagonist that would fit, I think Krampus (not sure about spelling?) would work better. He’s a character who I believe is mostly common in some Germanic countries. He’s sort of an anti-santa with large horns (like on a goat I think) who takes misbehaving children and stuff them in his bag. Sort of a double threat: “Behave and you get presents, but if you’re naughty Krampus comes and takes you away.”
The most recent draft of the logline is confusing to me.
Who is Krampus? Is the character of Krampus a culture specific reference or is he or she meant to be widely known? I ask as I have never heard of Krampus.
If this is character is vital to the plot he or she needs to be defined as such their name is not relevant. By this I mean if this is the antagonist then best to just describe the antagonist.
What does Santa’s inner child look like? How will this be conveyed cinematically when it is stolen from Santa?
How does Santa not having an inner child become a problem for him? Can he not still fulfil his duty as Santa?
“…his irascible daughter teams with the sacked head of Krampus’ soulless toy company…” – Does this refer to Santa’s daughter or Krampus’s daughter?
Either way how is the daughter motivated to bring back Santa’s inner child? In what way will this solve her problem?
Lastly the logline reads as if the daughter is the MC, if so, what is at stake for her? What will happen if she doesn’t bring back the inner child?
Sorry for not providing any practical suggestions only I miss understood too many of the details to be able to do so.
Hope this helps.
I read those posts but it still seamed cryptic as I think the elements in a logline should require no prior explanations.
If a large portion of the readers are likely to not understand the story as a result of the elements being dependent on prior specific knowledge then likely the logline won’t achieve its intended goals.