KeynoJonesLogliner Posted: January 23, 20202020-01-23T16:45:27+10:00 2020-01-23T16:45:27+10:00In: ActionWhen she discovers her vengeful ex crime boss has recruited her son to commit towards she and her formers lover’s debts. And ex convict released from prison seeks out to save him, only to be dragged into a world she vowed to leave forever.– ShareFacebook3 ReviewsVotedOldestRecentyqwertz 2 Loglines 108 Reviews 31 Best Reviews 5,069 Points View Profile yqwertz Mentor 2020-01-23T18:03:14+10:00Added an answer on January 23, 2020 at 6:03 pm “to commit towards she and her former lover’s debts.” –> “to repay her debts.” Leave the lover out as he is a side issue and gangsters don’t care which one of the pair took out the debt.“ex convict released from prison” –> “ex convict”? Pleonasms are the enemy of good writing. A person is an “ex convict” only after they are released from prison, so we don’t need both phrases.Since it is clear she must confront the crime boss, the phrase “dragged into a world she vowed to leave forever” doesn’t tell us anything about what happens next. What must she do: rob a bank? kill the crime boss? work as a prostitute? You gave us the MC and an inciting incident, now give us the MC’s goal — a specific, concrete goal. 0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppLotcher 5 Loglines 22 Reviews 4 Best Reviews 957 Points View Profile Lotcher Logliner 2020-01-23T18:19:59+10:00Added an answer on January 23, 2020 at 6:19 pm Reads in a very conflicting manner making for a huge disconnect between you and your intended audience.Protagonist is literally a “she.” The ex-convict character comes out of nowhere and in general, there are way too many characters with none of them feeling realised. Come to think of it they’re barely even summarised at this point.When a [what] ex-criminal’s former boss recruits … [rewrite logline from here on in].Be sure to include the protagonist’s Goal, their Obstacle and the Stakes should the protagonist fail. Currently you have got a protagonist that appears to be taking a back seat when the ex-convict character turns up. In the re-write make sure the protagonist is taking action so we have a reason to get a bit more emotionally invested into their predicament.Try to limit the character count to a maximum of three, protagonist, antagonist and stakes character. These roles need to be clear in oder to be most effective.0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppLotcher 5 Loglines 22 Reviews 4 Best Reviews 957 Points View Profile Lotcher Logliner 2020-01-23T18:35:22+10:00Added an answer on January 23, 2020 at 6:35 pm Having read the logline again I’m now doubting the “she” character is the protagonist. Is the ex-con the protagonist? It’s not made clear.0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppYou must login to can add an answer. Username or email* Password* Remember Me! Forgot Password?