When she discovers her vengeful ex crime boss has recruited her son to commit towards she and her formers lover’s debts. And ex convict released from prison seeks out to save him, only to be dragged into a world she vowed to leave forever.

    Penpusher Posted on January 23, 2020 in Action.
    Add Comment
    3 Review(s)

      “to commit towards she and her former lover’s debts.” –> “to repay her debts.” Leave the lover out as he is a side issue and gangsters don’t care which one of the pair took out the debt.

      “ex convict released from prison” –> “ex convict”  Pleonasms are the enemy of good writing. A person is an “ex convict” only after they are released from prison, so we don’t need both phrases.

      Since it is clear she must confront the crime boss, the phrase “dragged into a world she vowed to leave forever” doesn’t tell us anything about what happens next. What must she do: rob a bank? kill the crime boss? work as a prostitute? You gave us the MC and an inciting incident, now give us the MC’s goal — a specific, concrete goal.

       

      Mentor Answered on January 23, 2020.

      Thank you very much for your comment, I had a feeling I didn’t specifically give a reason for her…and knew I was missing something, so big thanks I’ll think clearly bout that.

      on January 23, 2020.
      Add Comment

        Reads in a very conflicting manner making for a huge disconnect between you and your intended audience.

        Protagonist is literally a “she.” The ex-convict character comes out of nowhere and in general, there are way too many characters with none of them feeling realised. Come to think of it they’re barely even summarised at this point.

        When a [what] ex-criminal’s former boss recruits … [rewrite logline from here on in].

        Be sure to include the protagonist’s Goal, their Obstacle and the Stakes should the protagonist fail. Currently you have got a protagonist that appears to be taking a back seat when the ex-convict character turns up. In the re-write make sure the protagonist is taking action so we have a reason to get a bit more emotionally invested into their predicament.

        Try to limit the character count to a maximum of three, protagonist, antagonist and stakes character. These roles need to be clear in oder to be most effective.

        Samurai Answered on January 23, 2020.
        Add Comment

          Having read the logline again I’m now doubting the “she” character is the protagonist. Is the ex-con the protagonist? It’s not made clear.

          Samurai Answered on January 23, 2020.

          Yeah the ex con the protagonist, I’ll take your advice and better describe what Im going for, thanks so much

          on January 23, 2020.
          Add Comment

          Your Review

          By posting your review, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.