When a despot king discovers ancient technology that could help him destroy his enemies he is outsmarted by an old digital human that invades his mind with a plan to conquer the real world.

    Samurai Posted on October 28, 2018 in SciFi.
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    3 Review(s)

      So…. what’s the plot?  What’s the script about?
      And who is the protagonist?  Who is the audience supposed to identify with and root for?
      And who is the antagonist/nemesis?
      What is the objective goal that frames the plot?
      What are the stakes?

      >>>>with a secret plan

      As Blake Snyder (of “Save the Cat” fame)  might say were he still in the land of the living:  that’s hiding the game ball.  A logline shouldn’t give away the ending, of course, but it has to show the game ball, the object or objective that everyone is fighting over.

      Singularity Answered on October 28, 2018.
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        This sounds like the setup to the story, not the story itself.

        Singularity Answered on October 28, 2018.
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          Agree with Richiev and dpg.

          A logline should ideally be under 35 words or so. You’ve used 31 just on the inciting incident. It’s never easy, particularly with some of the world building you are trying to do but, in my opinion, the following things are unnecessary – “Golden Kingdom”, the fact it’s a “metal” cave, actually… the cave itself is irrelevant too, the technology comes from the “Old Ones”, that they’re fighting a “sacred war”.  This could reduce the inciting incident down to “When he discovers ancient technology that could destroy his enemies”… you can then leave the character description for the next bit… “a (insert characteristic) Emperor…”.

          While we’re on the inciting incident, this should be an event that upsets the balance in the protagonist’s life thus creating his goal to correct it. The inciting incident here is about this ancient technology and the goal… well there’s not really a goal at the moment but it’s either something to do with destroying his enemies or to do with this digital human. I imagine it’s more likely something to do with the latter and, if that’s the case, the inciting incident should line up with this and be about the digital human invading his mind.

          He shouldn’t be sending a search party, he should be going himself. Otherwise the action for the audience is simply him waiting for them to return… that’s not visually interesting. Send him out – a protagonist should be proactive.

          Basically, strip this back and work out what is essential information that the reader needs to know to understand your story. Find an inciting incident and a goal that are on opposite sides of the same scales and tie it all together.

          Overlord Answered on October 29, 2018.

          Thank you.

          Before: When the emperor of the Golden Kingdom finds out there is a metal cave filled with ancient technology from the Old Ones that could destroy his enemies in the sacred war, he sends a search party to retrieve everything, but he is surprised by a digital human with a secret plan who invades his mind.
          After: When a despot king discovers ancient technology that could help him destroy his enemies he is outsmarted by an old digital human that invades his mind with a plan to conquer the real world.

          Still a work in progress. There are two other characters besides the emperor/king that I think could be protagonists. It’s possible I will change things to have a more proactive protagonist.

          on October 30, 2018.
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