When society devolves into chaos after the electric grid collapses, an immoral celebrity survivalist leads a group of defrauded fans to defend his remote compound from a ruthless gang of killers who are out to kill him and his family.

gsfields2004 Penpusher Asked on January 7, 2019 in Thriller.
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9 Review(s)

A morally bankrupt survival TV host must lead a group of fans tithe safety of xxxx after society collapses.

Give a hint of the journey

CraigDGriffiths Summitry Reviewed on January 7, 2019.

Good feedback and recommendation.   “A morally bankrupt star of a survival reality TV show must lead a group of his fans to a compound in Idaho as society crumbles around them.”

on January 7, 2019.

Thanks. It’s a good simple concept with interesting main character.

Society crumbling, you may think of a more provocative phrase, but don’t worry about that. As a reader I know the script I’ll get if I request it. This is the main reason logline exist.

regards
Craig

on January 8, 2019.
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“With society on the brink of collapse, the morally bankrupt star of a survival reality TV show must lead a group of his fans to stay alive.”
and
“A morally bankrupt star of a survival reality TV show must lead a group of his fans to a compound in Idaho as society crumbles around them.”

I think both versions of the logline suffer from being a bit too vague. Both versions lack an inciting incident, which would help to give context to the plot. What exactly does “society on the brink of collapse” or “as society crumbles” mean?
A logline should use language which evokes a clear action, it should use visual language conveying a specific and generic meaning which allows anyone not familiar with the story to understand.
Also, the goal seems to be ‘survive’ which isn’t a great goal. Think of the climax of the story, what happens? What is the protagonist trying to do at that point? That’s what the goal should be.
This story reminds me of “Children of Men”(2006). In that film, the protagonist is helping a woman to survive, but what helps that film is that the protagonist’s goal is to reach a specific destination. (A film I recommend.)

A breakdown of the logline’s elements:

Inciting incident: No clear, single event is listed.
Protagoinst: “the morally bankrupt star of a survival reality TV show” —> I suggest trying to cut some words from this description.
Goal: Survive —-> This is a passive goal. The protagonist should be actively trying to achieve a specific goal.
Antagonist: No antagonist described.

I suggest considering the above elements for a revision.

Dkpough1 Summitry Reviewed on January 7, 2019.
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1: It might ramp up the conflict if society has already broken down.
2: Also, the lead should have a goal. A destination where there is safety.

However, I like the premise.

Richiev Singularity Reviewed on January 7, 2019.
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In my opinion, ” must lead a group of fans to the safety of his private compound ” sounds specific and limiting. It may be good if how they survive is left for the imagination.

jacksparrow Penpusher Reviewed on January 8, 2019.
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