Samurai
Posted: 2020-04-09T01:24:57+10:00 In:

With the help of his undead lost love, a reluctant store manager must return to the island where she was slain to prevent the escape of a primitive evil before the anniversary of her death.

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    4 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Penpusher

      Hi Odie,

       

      i actually love this premise. its a refreshing and interesting take on the classic horror movie.

       

      for me, these would be my questions to ask:

       

      • Why does he love her? What is unique about their relationship?
      • Why is he reluctant? what is it that is making him doubt his decision to go back? that seems like something you could flesh out?
      • Can you make the primitive email somehow connected to their relationships, so what i mean is, its something connected to their past, which is why they’re being haunted?

       

      Overall, i actually really liked it, and would watch that movie.

       

      cheers.

      Jonathon

      • 0
    2. Best Answer
      Samurai

      Hi Odie,

      I like the idea – and that you have a hero fighting for a dead love. ?I think Nir is right, you need some more clarity between the elements in this logline, or, reading your response to guswakey, I wonder if you need to phrase it completely differently. ?Here are my thoughts:

      • Why HIM and why he MUST stop the evil escaping needs to made clear in the logline.
      • You say only he can save his girl…but she’s already dead. ?Is it her soul he’s saving?
      • What will the evil do if it escapes? ?Is this the stakes or is his girl the stakes? ?Or both?
      • I agree, maybe steering clear of ‘corpse’ is a good thing! LOL… are we talking more an enchanting spirit/sexy ghost/basically a dead version of her live self?
      • Is the type of store he runs a twist to your tale or what makes him perfect for the job? ?It may help to divulge this as his descriptor (rather than ‘reluctant’… almost all protagonists are reluctant at first… doesn’t he want to save her soul or is he in denial/a coward/what?)
      • Is her appearance the inciting incident for the film, so we’re a year on… or are you placing this straight after the time he breaks the rule/her death and making that the inciting incident?
      • I’m not sure we need to know about the island in the logline, or necessarily that she helps him… it’s his mission and we need to know what sparks it, why only he can fix it, what he’s up against, and what the stakes are.
      • Maybe along the lines of: A XXX store manager must undo the evil curse he?inadvertently?unleashed?to save the soul of his murdered girlfriend before XXX.
      • Or: ?Haunted by?visions of his murdered girlfriend, a cowardly XXX must undo?an evil curse intent on devouring her soul on the anniversary of her death.

      Regards
      Trix

      • 0
    3. Best Answer
      Singularity

      The cause and effect relationship between the major story beats is unclear.

      What makes him HAVE to go to the island and stop the evil thing?

      And, what will happen if he doesn’t go?

       

       

      • 0
    4. Best Answer
      Logliner

      Imaginative!

      • What significance does the ‘anniversary of her death’ have in relation to the escaping of the evil?
      • What is it about the main character that makes him the only man for the job? Does the undead lover enlist his help specifically? Is it already established that the undead and the living characters can communicate or is it presented as a shock?
      • 0