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Logliner
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  • Logliner Posted on June 12, 2019 in Drama.

    So would it be safe to assume she’s lost her memory and doesn’t know what happened in the last 2 years? Does she return to the home she once had to find she’s evicted. Does she call family and realise she’s not talking to any of them?

    I started thinking Suddenly 30 – she”grows up” overnight to realise she got everything she thought she wanted but found out she was a terrible person and had hurt everyone she cared about.

     

    but good point above – is it to remember what happened over the last 2 years, to change who she had become? to solve another puzzle?

    • 33 views
    • 2 reviews
    • 0 votes
  • Logliner Posted on June 12, 2019 in Coming of Age.

    In an anthropomorphic world, a young lion cub, legally forbidden to play <<sport>>??   must create a team of other outcast players to prove to his <<sport>> hero father and the government? that cubs deserve to be included.

    Just a suggestion to let us know

    why can’t he play now? – incapable, forbidden,

    Why does he create a team of outcasts? – Are all cubs forbidden or anyone non-human?

    Why is he doing it? To fight for his right to play?

     

    Just some ideas.

    • 130 views
    • 2 reviews
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  • Logliner Posted on June 8, 2019 in Drama.

    SO question then, he kills his brother and then what? Would he not go back to jail.

    From my recent viewing of When you see us on Netflix (disturbing but brilliant), when someone is released from prison, a felon, they deal with the inability to find work, loss of youth, lack of support, – basically very little hope of living a better life. So I would think there would be so many things to deal with at that point.

    Did he know his twin brother? What sort of person is he? Did he continue to commit crimes? The fact that protagonist was convicted means that the twin either didn’t know or is very slippery. How does an ex-con track someone down.

    I’ve heard about the twin theory before but the first time the person didn’t know he had a twin as they were adopted out. Did these twins grow up together and one betrayed the other? What has he been doing for 26 years in jail – did he not appeal? If he knew there was a twin involved, would that not have been a question for the police, jury etc.

     

    I have too many questions about knowing about each other, one got convicted and the innocence of the other wasn’t raised…..

     

    • 80 views
    • 4 reviews
    • 1 votes
  • Logliner Posted on June 8, 2019 in Drama.

    Don’t worry – it’s amazing what you can refine about your story with just the logline and hence why we all do this. 🙂

    If the inciting incident happened say 10 years ago,why is she taking the job now? That sounds like motivation not an inciting incident. What has happened right now for her to decide to take the job? Was she of age? Has the system got worse? Did they offer the job to anyone in the village for the first time so it was the first opportunity? She was homeless and no where else to go? The Duke took a liking to her and offered her the job etc Hope that helps understand inciting incident vs motivation.  Why is she taking the job and seeking revenge today? What changed?

    I also think jaded is probably a little subtle for someone who’s had a father murdered and lives in feudal system? Jaded people aren’t motivated to do something – unless an inciting incident. Maybe she’s bitter, or maybe she’s a village leader, or an outlaw – give her something to work with – something unique that adds to the contrast between her current existence and what she’s about to do.

    Also murderous Aristocrat is not adding anything. What if he was cruel, sadistic, tyrannical. Maybe he’s charming, cunning, greedy. Give him something –  -something unusual – maybe he’s seen as generous, maybe he’s a great leader? we already know he murdered someone so that description is unnecessary.

    Hope that helps.

    • 51 views
    • 2 reviews
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  • Logliner Posted on June 8, 2019 in Drama.

    How does he discover this family? Inheritance, funeral? Did they know about him? What kind of family is it and what situation does it cause for him?

    • 56 views
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  • Logliner Posted on June 8, 2019 in Drama.

    I think maybe the protagonist was complicit with the violence by keeping quiet as opposed to maybe blamed for it – blamed for not stopping it.  I’m also not sure of the ages. Transfer student indicates to my high school?? Uni? Is it significant that he’s a transfer student.?

    I think mikep has a point – is the goal to save his crush or is it to find redemption for what he did before by stopping it happening it again. There is no conflict here as both result in him helping the girl. It would be good if the goal may require him to give up the girl – therefore, he can seek redemption /rid of guilt or he can save the girl (who doesn’t yet need saving) but lose her at the same time.

    Just a suggestion, but I always like a dilemma – at the moment, what would it cost him to reveal the abuser? Maybe his own complicit part of silence? IS he liable in any other way that might mean he can be charged? Therefore, revealing the abuser puts him in trouble but not revealing her puts her in trouble. Now we have a dilemma where he will try and get both but that contravene each other. Just a thought. 🙂

    This answer accepted by David. on June 8, 2019 Earned 50 points.

    • 49 views
    • 2 reviews
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  • Logliner Posted on May 11, 2019 in Historical.

    Grabbed my attention straight away. My only question is why it was so important for him to build it – why made him keep fighting against the odds to finish it? Pride? Ambition? Passion?

    • 447 views
    • 5 reviews
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  • Logliner Posted on May 11, 2019 in Historical.

    Great logline and for Australian /NZ, Maori is fine. How young is the boy? and yes trapped is definitely better.

    Just one tiny thing that makes me wonder – when he enlists the help of the pedophile, it implies to me that he exchanges favours – if that is the case, fine as he exchanges one thing for another and does create great conflict but I worry about how that ‘help’ comes. Maybe if we knew about the pedophile – is he conflicted? Sinister? Only likes them younger? And how do they come into play together – is he a foster carer?

    Definitely intriguing and I want to hear more!!!

    • 358 views
    • 6 reviews
    • 1 votes
  • Logliner Posted on May 11, 2019 in Historical.

    Yes, I agree with the revised version suggested above.

    Amidst the French Revolution and the Reign of Terror, the feminist Mary Wollstonecraft broke all the rules of society and religion to fight for women’s rights and for love.

    I actually thought that acceptance would have been a bigger problem than love as not many men could have handled her (assuming it was a man she was after). the only thing I ask is why? What caused her to change? step up? Who was she – a teacher? a scholar? A???? Just gives it more life to someone who does know who she is.

    I’ve never heard of this woman but definitely would like to know more!!

    • 169 views
    • 3 reviews
    • 1 votes
  • Logliner Posted on May 11, 2019 in Historical.

    So what time are we in? 1600’s ? Earlier? To give a sense of time and space.

     

    So would not the inciting inciting incident be the death of her father.

    After the death of her father, a young (genteel? naive? inexperienced? clever? ambitious? ) queen must unite the warring clans of her kingdom to survive against the invading barbarians from the north?

    I understand there are prequels and there is, I’m thinking, a kind of Game of Thrones epic drama? Maybe you can add in something to the title which adds interest to relationship

    After the death of her father, a young (genteel? naive? inexperienced? clever? ambitious? Warrior? ) queen and her sisters, must defeat? the Bada Girl monks to unite the warring clans of her kingdom against the invading barbarians from the north?

     

    That gets your key characters in but with purpose?

    • 76 views
    • 2 reviews
    • 0 votes