A lot to get into one logline, but I should’ve mentioned the soldier is injured.

Also, you absolutely don’t want to see the soldier being saved! It would be clear that he is manipulating and using the boys and that is where the suspense would come through. Not sure how to portray that in a logline however…

The killing and her coming under protection of Leon happen so close together in the film that they are almost within the same story beat, so that isn’t a huge issue. However, her coming under the protection of Leon doesn’t really relate to her plot-line as far, as this logline is concerned, because it raises questions like “why is she under his protection and not an uncle or orphanage?” so, maybe,  try something like:

“When a 12 year old girl comes home to see her family murdered, she hides out in a friendly neighbours apartment only to discover that he is a lethal hitman and tries to convince him to train her so she can get her revenge.”

It’s quite long and clunky but all the necessary beats are there. Hope this helps.

Is he playing basketball at all in those thirteen years — like grifting and conning Ala White Men Can’t Jump or playing amateur leagues?

Why does he drop out of high school — what is the inciting incident that causes this?

What changes his luck and offers him a chance at redemption (and this should really be the inciting incident, e.g. When a once-prodigious basketball player gets a chance at redemption as… 

We would need more information to do a detailed logline. So far, this is far too vague and ambiguous. Hope this helps.

Would he have a number, because the way your logline descries the (somewhat limited) action of the script, it seems like it will end in tragedy. This could be a chance to do an inspiring never-get-me-down type screenplay (think like Rocky meets Pursuit of Happiness) instead of something seemingly quite depressing. Just food for thought about what story you are wanting to tell, and “sell”.

A quick floating question: why is the host “suicidal”, that almost seems like a trope-y trait at this point. How does her being suicidal correlate to the action of the story? Why would she care if the city is destroyed if she’s going to kill herself? Why would she even go to work — if she’s truly suicidal, that means she should be literally on the edge, not just thinking about it. Hope this helps.

It is right before the break into the third act. Here is a good, simple template for where the things you’re referring to go in the story structure you’re working with (as far as I can tell): https://goodinaroom.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Blake-Snyders-Beat-Sheet.pdf

I’d suggest reading all of the late, great Blake Snyder’s  Save the Cat for a more detailed breakdown of this, genre and character. Hope this helps.

Foxtrot25 I would say the original poster is afraid of his idea being stolen, yet still wants to refer back to the feedback so he’s edited it. It’s happened a few times on here before. People are naturally precious and paranoid, I guess.

dpg: I’m a sucker for Shakespeare and you brought up some interesting points regarding his stories. To me, he is the master of story in the same way that Hitchcock is the master of film. In particular, I’m a fan of A Midsummer Night’s Dream and use that almost as a (very rough, skeleton-like) template for some of my tandem narratives, so it’s fascinating that you brought him up. Thank you for your points.

Dkpugh1: It is hard work, but not all that much more than writing a regular screenplay. But, I often find myself writing tandem narratives because it’s what I find most interesting to watch and write. I find it much more compelling to have multiple characters all arcing and developed than just one with a few semi-interesting supporting characters (and often supporting characters are comic relief and much more interesting than the angst-ridden leads) which allows for a lot of creativity and variety. Although, I much prefer something like Dazed and Confused where the characters are all intertwining in a close proximity of each other than Love Actually which is a lot more desperate.  Thanks.

I agree with your post, trying to succinctly explain an idea is invaluable in a lot f ways. My problem is, I find myself keeping the word count down by keeping things vague and I’m still trying to become more specific (usually with my character’s intentions) within the word count. I imagine the day I figure this out is close to the day I sell my first script, but I will always be a student.

I don’t agree, however, with your comment Foxtrot, that screenwriting is two forms of writing. You have dialogue and action, yes, but I don’ see them as separate from one another. They should work together to elevate each other and the piece as a whole. Simply, action tells the story and dialogue gets across character (although both should tell each other, in between the lines). But, if you wanted to break it down, I would be hesitant not to include the fact that even well done scene headings, transitions or a parenthetical can dramatically shift the whole mood of a scene. Thanks.

Yeah, I thought about adding a quarantine warning in there, if they contain the infestation to just the asylum, so she only has a few hours before it’s blown up or something like that. It wold definitely raise the stakes again.