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  • Mentor Posted 2 days ago in SciFi.

    I wouldn’t bother with the city name, it adds nothing to the logline. I would consider changing this for something that tells us where Carella City is. Is it Earth: 2178? Or a parallel universe? Another planet? A galaxy far, far away?

    Who’s the protagonist? The murderer or the old woman?

    What’s the inciting incident? Is it the moment they realise she’s evaded death? Or is when these two first meet?

    What’s the goal? To evade death? Or to protect this woman from the authorities so the secret doesn’t get out?

    Why do we care about an exiled murderer? What was he exiled for? Maybe if he was a bio-engineer who was researching methods of immortality and accidentally killed someone we would be more sympathetic to his plight?

    Other than death, who or what antagonistic forces are working against them? Why do we care if he doesn’t succeed in keeping her alive? (if that is his goal) She was going to die anyway right? We need to care about both of these characters and want them to achieve what they set out to do.

    I feel like there’s a lot of information missing for me to understand what’s actually happening in this story. There’s definitely a story in there somewhere though.

    After finding the woman he was exiled for murdering very much alive, a bio-engineer, tasked with finding the cure for death, must keep her alive long enough to uncover the conspiracy hiding the key to mankind’s immortality. 

    This is long and a bit vague but there’s a strong connection between the inciting incident and the goal, internal and external motivation, stakes, antagonistic forces. No idea whether this is remotely close to the story you’re trying to tell though.

    Hope this helps.

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  • Singularity Posted 3 days ago in SciFi.

    At what point does the reader know that the 157-year-old woman is the key to anti-aging?

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  • Mentor Posted 3 days ago in Thriller.

    Most stories are remarkably simple when you actually break them down. Even films that seem incredibly complicated, such as Christopher Nolan’s Inception, can still be reduced to a simple spine of story.

    With this in mind, I’m struggling to understand what everything that happens with the brother and drug cartel has to do with his quest for the girl. You said that it’s the romantic pursuit of the girl that takes the protagonist on a supernatural journey – this journey being what forms the basis for your logline –  but this has nothing to do with the the brother, the drugs cartel, or indeed the unsolved murders and conspiracy which wasn’t really covered by your synopsis. It’s a simple love story.

    What are the true events? The way you’ve written some things sounds very much like they are pure fiction. Which bit’s true?

    I feel like there are two completely different stories being told (based on your synopsis) and I can’t see (yet) how they are related. Firstly you need to decide what his primary goal is, is it to get the girl or to save his brother? That then gives you something to use for your inciting incident. There needs to be coherence between all the elements  – the subplots must affect the main plot in some way. The logline, however, must focus on the main plot. Tell us his primary goal, what happened that started his journey towards this goal and what antagonistic forces he’s working against.  As far as characteristics go, if you tell us he’s lonely but the logline doesn’t suggest a love interest then it doesn’t really give us anything. BUT tell us he’s straight-laced or by-the-book combined with a plot to do with finding out his brother is a criminal and suddenly we can see where this guy is going to go.

    Hope this helps.

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  • Mentor Posted 5 days ago in Thriller.

    Agree with Richiev’s feedback. It’s all about what can be seen visually. The inner journey can be suggested though with the characteristic used to describe the protagonist. In yours, you’ve used ‘lonesome’ which suggests to me that his inner journey is to find companionship perhaps? If this isn’t the case maybe consider a different characteristic that helps us understand his internal arc. You mention ‘cynical’ previously – that works better than lonesome in my opinion. This suggests that his eyes are opened to other-worldly possibilities – perfect for a film with supernatural elements.

    I appreciate that you want there to be a supernatural element to this but as Richiev has pointed out, you need to be more specific. Supernatural is very vague. Maybe the Sheriff’s girlfriend leaves behind a message and a pill for the sheriff to take that takes him on a weird drug-induced trip through some other dimension?

    In your second version, you said “before someone else close to him is murdered next” – is there a connection to the Sheriff? If so, consider making that more apparent. One of the questions frequently asked is “why this guy/girl?”. There has to be a reason why the protagonist is the protagonist. It helps that he’s already close to the first victim but surely it’s the second kill that’s related to him where things really get interesting…?

    Hope this helps.

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    • 5 reviews
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