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  • Penpusher Posted on April 1, 2012 in No Category.

    Jack: This looks like and interesting story but the word ‘tasked’ is too weak for a logline. The fact that the pursuing detective is the soldier’s ex-sergeant gives this story its twist, and the twist should be at the end of the logline. How about, ‘an army sergeant turned detective pursues the perpetrator of Britain biggest bank robbery, only to discover that his target was once a member of his old platoon?”

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  • Penpusher Posted on April 1, 2012 in No Category.

    Dave: The antagonist is clear and I would believe that he would be a challenging adversary. Over half the logline stresses the power of the antagonist, something hard to defeat for sure. However, why should it be an ex-soldier that is blackmailed? Is the goal for the ex-soldier to run and not get caught? This is not really a goal. If he had to stop the robbery before he was captured then that is a clear goal – and story – but I don’t see it here. How was he blackmailed? Giving this information in the logline would make it much clearer.

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  • Penpusher Posted on April 1, 2012 in No Category.

    Meg: The concept is interesting but the genre isn’t clear, nor is the setting. But the mystery of what may or may not have happened in the past is a reasonble hook.”

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  • Penpusher Posted on April 1, 2012 in No Category.

    Steven: Too many films have already been made about the guy or gal who returns back to his home town to win back his/her old sweetheart. The first 80% of this sentence is boringly familiar. At a minimum the logline should have read ‘Darren returns home to find Sarah. But everyone denies that she ever existed.’ THAT much is intriguing.”

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