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"When an angel is brutalized by two racist police officers, he finds himself in a face to face confrontation with his estranged daughter that will decide the fate of humanity." (30 words) This version seems to be better than the previous. Protagonist: "an angel" ---> How does an angel get hurt byRead more
“When an angel is brutalized by two racist police officers, he finds himself in a face to face confrontation with his estranged daughter that will decide the fate of humanity.” (30 words)
This version seems to be better than the previous.
Protagonist: “an angel” —> How does an angel get hurt by humans? Why is he on Earth? Aside from that, the logline tells a reader very little about the protagonsit.
Antagonist: His daughter? The logline doesn’t clearly imply or describe an antagonist.
Goal: “decide the fate of humanity.” —> The logline doesn’t describe an objective goal. What specific outcome does the protagonist try to make happen? That’s what the logline should describe. Rather than “decide the fate of humanity” the logline should describe exactly the fate he’s seeking to make a reality.
Inciting incident: “When an angel is brutalized by two racist police officers” —> How does this event lead to the protagonist having to decide humanity’s fate? The inciting incident should the direct cause of the protagonist’s goal.
"During the 1950?s in segregated Louisiana, a working-class African American mother and wife struggles with unforeseen births, deaths and racial issues while pursuing an unconventional career." (26 words) Protagonist: "?a working-class African American mother and wife" ---> This could be trimmedRead more
“During the 1950?s in segregated Louisiana, a working-class African American mother and wife struggles with unforeseen births, deaths and racial issues while pursuing an unconventional career.” (26 words)
Protagonist: “?a working-class African American mother and wife” —> This could be trimmed some. Since the premise is based on the protagonist facing racism, I’d say it’s okay to include that, but “mother and wife” could just be turned into ‘woman’ or some other single-word identifier(such as, saying her profession—> ‘a black nurse’).
Antagonist: The logline hints at antagonistic elements(racism) but since there is no goal stated in the logline, there is no clear character/force which is implied to directly oppose the protagonist.
Goal: As I mentioned above, there is no objective goal described in the logline. What does she specifically want to accomplish? The logline is categorized as ‘Romance’. Who’s the love interest? The logline mentions “pursuing an unconventional career” —> Is that her objective? To get hired for a job?
Inciting incident: No clear event is described in the logline. The inciting incident should share a casual relationship with the goal. It should be the single event which forces the protagonist to become a part of the conflict.
Here is a previous answer of mine which discusses inciting incidents more: https://loglines.org/answer/re-when-a-pirate-a-princess-and-an-outlander-discover-that-their-crystal-necklaces-have-magical-powers-the-three-women-go-on-an-adventure-that-leads-to-saving-the-world-from-darkness-3/
I suggest reading the formula tab at the top of the page, reading other members’ loglines, and the reviews members leave for loglines in order to help better understand a logline’s elements.
"After a bionic test leaves an island unresponsive, a company investigator and his friends come to see that the test have become weaponized automatically and cannot leave the island or it will destroy the planet." (35 words)The logline is confusing, long, and lacks important elements.Protagonist: "aRead more
“After a bionic test leaves an island unresponsive, a company investigator and his friends come to see that the test have become weaponized automatically and cannot leave the island or it will destroy the planet.” (35 words)
The logline is confusing, long, and lacks important elements.
Protagonist: “a company investigator?and his friends” —> What company? There’s no company described in the logline. Or, if he doesn’t work for a specific company, do you mean he investigates companies? Also, his friends? Not coworkers, team? Are they on vacation?
Antagonist: From what I can tell, it’s the island.
Goal: There is no clear goal described in the logline. There is an implied, vague goal to prevent the destruction of the planet. Loglines should describe clear objectives. They want to shutdown the island’s systems. They want to reprogram the island’s systems to not destroy the world, etc.
Inciting incident: “After a bionic test leaves an island unresponsive,” —> How is an island unresponsive? How is an island responsive in the first place? Unresponsive to what? An inciting incident should force the protagonist into the main conflict, to pursue their objective goal. How does this do that? It doesn’t affect him. The inciting incident should specifically affect the protagonist.Luke Skywalker’s family is killed by the Empire.John McClane’s wife and coworkers are taken hostage.Bryan Mills’ daughter is taken.Tony Stark is kidnapped by terrorists and forced to build weapons. —> These are all events which personally affect the protagonist.How does an island being unresponsive affect the protagonist?If the story is about an investigation, then the inciting incident should describe the moment the protagonist is forced to decide to take the case.?